Job Ad Phrases Re-Defined:

  Advancement opportunity: Crap job
  Entry level: Really crap job
  No experience necessary: The mother of all crap jobs
  Administrative assistant: Crap job with a title
  Upbeat personality: Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug and alcohol rehab benefit within the first year
  Word processing skills essential: There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future
  Public relations: Receptionist
  Pleasant telephone manner: Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME
  Salary range $24,000 to $32,000: The salary is $24,000
  Will train: Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem
  Women and minorities encouraged to apply: White males need not waste the stamp
  Tons of variety: We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do and rolled them into one.
  Top-notch communication skills: Telemarketing
  Beautiful offices in attractive location: Brand new tacky, windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting
  Dedicated: You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement
  Salary commensurate: We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like
  Salary negotiable: We'll take the lowest bidder
  Competitive salary: We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more
  Competitive starting salary: Ten cents above minimum wage
  Pleasant atmosphere: A staff of pod people
  Self-starter: Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means
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