Job Ad Phrases Re-Defined:
 | Advancement opportunity: Crap job |
| | Entry level: Really crap job |
| | No experience necessary: The mother of all crap jobs |
| | Administrative assistant: Crap job with a title |
| | Upbeat personality: Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug and alcohol rehab benefit within the first year |
| | Word processing skills essential: There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future |
| | Public relations: Receptionist |
| | Pleasant telephone manner: Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME |
| | Salary range $24,000 to $32,000: The salary is $24,000 |
| | Will train: Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem |
| | Women and minorities encouraged to apply: White males need not waste the stamp |
| | Tons of variety: We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do and rolled them into one. |
| | Top-notch communication skills: Telemarketing |
| | Beautiful offices in attractive location: Brand new tacky, windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting |
| | Dedicated: You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement |
| | Salary commensurate: We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like |
| | Salary negotiable: We'll take the lowest bidder |
| | Competitive salary: We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more |
| | Competitive starting salary: Ten cents above minimum wage |
| | Pleasant atmosphere: A staff of pod people |
| | Self-starter: Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means |
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