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A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer. The father who was an irishman, turned to his son and said "son, even on this gloomy day, its our tradition to drink to health as it is in death; so let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise." Reluctantly, the son follows his father to the local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father sees some old friends and tells them he is dying from AIDS. Shocked, the son turns to his father and says, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from it is cancer, why did you lie to those men?" The father reply's "Aye, my son, you are right; but I dont want those guys sleeping with your mom when Im gone."

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years. I wonder how the girls are doing?"

One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word 'PENIS' in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it and began class. The next day, she went into the room, she noticed in large letters the word 'PENIS' again; this time written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's larger than the previous one. Finally one day, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

A college professor's going to bed with his wife. He's not that tired, so he's gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. So he's reading, and every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot... "Kitza kitza..." She says, "Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?" He says, "I'm not teasing you. I'm wetting my fingers so I can turn the page."

This guy goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu. A few minutes later the waitress comes to the table and asks the guy if he knew what he wanted. The guy says 'I'd like a quickie'. The waitress flushes and says 'That's not funny. Now, what would you like to order.' The guys says, 'I'd really like a quickie'. The waitress angrily storms off after this. Another customer overheard the conversation. He leans over and says to the guy, 'I think that it's pronounced quiche...'

This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!" The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!" She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! When he landed outside he was in the middle of a "running Marathon" so he started running along beside the others only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running." The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" The nude man answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" The nuddy answered, "Only if it's raining.

The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women. It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"... It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.

On Fred's 86th birthday one of his female neighbors, from down the hall in the old folks home, came into his room and unzipped his pants. She the proceeded to strip him of his pants and skivvies. She sat down on the bed with him and grasped his withered shlong and held him for an hour. She did this routine of undressing him and holding his dick for an hour, every morning of his birthday. On Fred's 93 birthday she proceeded to disrobe him when he told her to stop. "What do you mean you don't want me to do it any more", she said baffled by his actions. "I just don't want you to hold me anymore", replied Fred. "Why, is there someone else"? "Actually there is," Fred shamefully admitted. "Well what does she have that I don't have"? "Parkinsons", replied Fred.

How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters? It's all tongue in groove, with no studs.

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigette Bardot. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed to her Boobs. The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests the tattoo on her ass instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock. When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the art work. "What do you think?" the wife says. "Uh, who the hell is Bob?" the husband replies.

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