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This woman of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy. The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used. After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look. The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor's office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes. The doctor replied, "Lady those aren't bags, they're your tits, and if you don't stop turning those screws you're going to have a beard!"

A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing. "Yes, but you know how I love to fish..." "But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?" "Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish" A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex." "I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..." The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex." "Yeah, but she's got pyorrhea ; and you know how I love to fish..." Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated: "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that." "It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."

A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup. "What's this?!?!?" he screams! "There's a pussy hair in my soup! I'm not payin’ for it!" and he storms out... The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whore house across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto. The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS!???" the waitress yells. He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah!... and if I find a noodle in here, I ain't payin’ for it EITHER!!!!!"

A group of people were traveling cross-country on a Greyhound bus. The driver had just turned onto the interstate highway when a woman came up to him and said, "Please stop the bus, there's a man back there who's bothering me." The driver said he stop at the very next exit but before he got there, another woman came up and made the same complaint. When the driver was finally able to stop, he walked to the rear of the bus and saw a little old baldheaded man down on his hands and knees looking under the seats. The bus driver said, "Sir, what seems to be the problem?" "I lost my toupee and I'm looking for it. I though I'd found it several times but mine parts on the side."

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.He asks her about it and she says. "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."

Fellow goes to confession and tells the priest "Father, I've done something terrible. I just know they're going to throw me out of the church for this one." "Hold, on," says the priest, "what have you done that's so bad they're going to throw you out of the church?" "Yesterday, my wife was bent over a sack of potatoes and I looked at her ass and got so turned on I went lifted her skirt and had sex with her right there and then." "There's nothing wrong with that," says the priest, "you're allowed to have sex with your wife. Why on earth would you think they would throw you out of the church for that?" "Well," the man said, "they threw us out of the grocery store."

An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is. "These, senor," replied the waiter in broken English, "are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today." The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item. When it is served, he says to the waiter, "These cojones, or whatever you call them...are much smaller than the ones I had last night." "Yes, senor," replied the waiter, "You see...the bull, he does not always lose.

This guy gets these chronic migraine headaches. One day he sees a doctor about his problem. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and says, "I can cure your headaches, but I'll have to cut your balls off to do it." At first the man is horrified at this idea, but the headaches keep getting worse and worse. He can't work or sleep, his sex life is nonexistent, and he's generally miserable. Finally, he goes back to the doctor and says, "I don't care anymore, cut them off. Just get rid of these damned headaches! The doctor performs the operation, and immediately the headaches go away. The guy is relatively happy, now. He may not have a sex life, but he figures this is price he has to pay for a life without pain. One day, he decides to get himself a new wardrobe. He goes to this nice new men's shop downtown. As soon as he walks in the door, the clerk looks carefully at him and says, "You wear a 44 long jacket, don't you?" The guy says, "Yeah, how did you know?" "It's in the eye," says the clerk. "Your neck is seventeen and one quarter inches, but given your build, medium shirt sleeves should work." "That is incredible!" the guy says. "Hmm... and you wear a 36 large jockstrap." "Ah hah! You're wrong," the guy says gleefully. "I wear a 32 small jockstrap." "No, you have to wear a 36 large," says the clerk. "Look, I'm sorry, but you're wrong. I wear a 32 small." That's impossible," says the confused clerk. "A 32 small jockstrap would pinch your balls and give you migraine headaches."

Two guys are sitting in a bar getting pretty loaded. Suddenly, one of them blows lunch all over himself. "Aw man, my wife is going to kill me when she sees this," he says. His buddy replies, "Don't worry about it. That happened to me before. Here's what you do. Put a $20 bill in your pants pocket. When you get home, tell your wife that some drunk threw up on you and he gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning, OK?" "All right, I'll try it." So he goes home and his wife immediately starts bitching about his suit. "Now look what you've done to yourself!!" "No, no, honey," he slurs back. "Some drunk guy puked on me, but he gave me this twenty bucks to get my suit cleaned." With that he reaches into his pocket and throws the money on the table. His wife looks at it and says, "I thought that you said he only gave you one $20. How come there are two here?" The man slurs back, "He shit in my pants, too."

A madam decides to retire & get married. Her main requirement in a husband is that he be a virgin. She meets an Australian whom she is convinced is a virgin & marries him. On their honeymoon she says "I'm going to the bathroom & get ready. You get things ready out here." When she comes out of the bathroom, he has pushed all the furniture out in the hall. "Why did you do that?" she asked. "Well love, I figured if women were anything like kangaroos we'd need all the room we can get"

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