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This farmer has a cross-eyed cow that keeps bumping into things. He calls up to vet to try to remedy the problem. The vet says. "I think the best thing is to stick a pipe up his ass and blow real hard and the cows eyes will straighten out. The vet - a 70 year old man - inserts the pipe and blows. The cows eyes begin to straighten, but the vet soon looses his breath and the cows eyes are crossed again. The vet gives it another try, but looses his breath again. The vet looks at the farmer - a young healthy man - and says, you look like a strong man, why don't you give it a try. The farmer agrees. He then takes the pipe out of the cows ass, turns it around, and sticks it back in. He then begins to blow. Holy smokes, says the vet. What in the hell did you do that for. The farmer replies, "You don't think I am gonna put my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had your on."

A woman comes out of the shower one morning. Her husband sneaks up behind her, grabs a hold of her breasts, and says 'honey, if you firm these up a little bit you wouldn't have to wear a bra quite as much.' She was furious and didn't speak to him for the rest of the week. The next week, as she comes out of the shower, he sneaks up behind her again, grabs a hold of her buttocks, and says 'honey, if you firm these up a little bit, you wouldn't have to wear a girdle quite as much. Well she was furious. Next morning, he comes out of the shower, and she sneaks up behind him, grasp a hold of his penis, and says 'you know honey, if you firm this up a little bit, I wouldn't have to see your brother quite as much!!!"

One day a man went into a restaurant and ordered a bowl of soup. The waitress brought his order out to him on a tray with her middle finger immersed in the middle of his soup bowl. "What the hell's the idea of putting your finger in my soup bowl?" the man bellowed at the waitress. "My doctor said the best thing for my rheumatism was to keep my finger pressed in a warm damp place," the waitress informed him. "Oh yeah, " the man shouted, "then why don’t you take that finger and of yours and shove it up your fat ass?" "I'm sorry sir the waitress replied, but I already tried that before I brought your soup out."

Two men walk out of a bar and notice a dog laying on the side walk licking it's dick. One man turns to the other and says "I wish I could do that." The other man replies, "You probably can, but you had better pet him first."

Dirty Ernie was sitting in his second grade class when he looked out the window and saw two dogs screwing in the school yard. He jumped up and hollered, "Hey, everyone! look at that!" The teacher ran to the window and pulled the blind. A little girl in the front row said, "Teacher, what was those two dogs doing? The teacher said that the dog on top had a broken leg, and the dog on the bottom was helping him get home. Dirty Ernie then said, "Teacher, ain't that just like life, you try to help someone out and end up getting screwed?"

A young girl is sitting in a barber shop with her mother, eating a twinkie, and anxiously awaiting her first hair cut. When her turn comes, she brings her twinkie with her to the chair, and the barber covers her. Soon, she pulls the twinkie out for a bite. "You're getting hair on your twinkie," the barber playfully warns. "Yes, I know," replies the girl. "And I'm getting boobs, too."

Mrs. Cohen, Mrs. Levy, and Mrs. Lefkovitz are discussing their sons. Mrs Cohen says, "Now my Sheldon, what a man! A world famous lawyer, he is, with big shot clients, a mansion in Beverly Hills, a summer home in Hawaii. He has a beautiful wife, and everything a man could want in the world." Mrs. Levy says, "That's nice. Lemmie tell you about my son Johnathan. He is a doctor, a world-famous researcher. He travels across the world on conferences, talks, lectures. He was nominated for a Nobel prize in Medicine. What a man!" Mrs. Lefkowitz says, "My Hershel, he's an engineer. Now, he makes maybe $35,000 a year, and he's not famous. But his Pee Pee is so long, you can line up ten pigeons in a row on it." The ladies sip their tea for a while. Then, Mrs. Cohen says, "Actually, I got a confession to makes. Sheldon's an up-and-coming lawyer in Los Angeles, but he doesn't have a mansion or a summer home. He's a bright young man with a good future." Mrs. Levy says: "Well, I got a confession too. Johnathan is a good doctor, and he got his share of scholarships, but a Nobel prizewinner, he isn't." They all look expectantly at Mrs. Lefkowitz. "Well, all right, I'll tell the truth too. The last bird gotta stand on one leg."

A prospector on his first trip to Alaska met an old miner named Jake at the local saloon and decided to join him on his next trip since he was an old hand at looking for gold in the Yukon. The next day as they were finishing loading the dog sled with supplies the old timer told him to go find a board with a knot hole in it. The rookie ask why and was told that they would be in the back country a long time and they would not see any women until they returned to town. Well the young prospector thought this was crazy but found a board to appease the old man. About eight months later the young prospector walked back into town alone. One of the towns people ask him what had happened to old Jake. " Well", the young prospector answered, " I had to kill him." "Why on earth did you have to do that for," ask the townsman. The prospector looked him in the eye and stated. "Caught him in bed with my BOARD."

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

The couple had been married for 30 years, and on their anniversary they decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night. Her husband was laying on the bed when she came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had 30 years before. She stood seductively before him and asked, "Tell me, darling, what were you thinking 30 years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?" He replied, "I took one look at you and thought I'd like to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry." "And what are you thinking now, baby?" she asked huskily. He said, "I'm thinking I did a pretty good job of it!"

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