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They've only just met this evening. But it's spring and they can barely control themselves. Quickly they walk through the park and lay down behind an elder-bush in the moonlight. When everything's over he says in a low voice; "Honey, if I knew you were a virgin I would have slowed down a little". On which she whispers: "Darling, if I knew you could control yourself a little longer I would have taken off my panties".

Two girls are sitting in a movie-theater. "That man beside me is fumbling his crotch", one whispers to the other. "Just ignore it", is the answer. "Easy for you to say. He's using my hand!".

A wife reaches her husband a silk handkerchief and asks him; "Doesn't this belong to your secretary?". "Where did you find that?", he stutters. "I didn't", she answers. "The mail man found it on your night-stand".

That's OK honey. No problem. I hope you have a good time. See you later". Then she puts down the receiver. "Who was that?", asks the man lying besides her in bed. "My husband", she replies. "What did he want?". "Nothing, he said he would be home late today. He's somewhere shooting pool with you and some other colleagues".

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks; 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'. 'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'. Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dogs looks at her and does nothing. 'It's always the same thing with you!', the man then shouts to the dog, 'I'll show you how to do it one last time'.

A rather scruffy-looking man came into a bank. Reaching the head of the line, he said to the teller, "I wanna open a fucking checking account." "Certainly, sir," answered the teller, "but there's no need to use that kind of language." "Couldja move it along lady? I just wanna open a fucking checking account," growled the would-be customer. "I'll be glad to be of service, sir," said the teller, flushing slightly, "but I would appreciate not being spoken to in that way." "Just lemme open a fucking checking account, okay?" "I'm afraid I'm going to have to speak to the branch manager," said the pissed-off teller, slipping off her stool and returning shortly with a dapper middle-aged man who asked how he could be of service. "I just won the ten-million dollar lottery, buddy," snarled the man, "and all I wanna do is open a fucking checking account." "I see," said the manager sympathetically. "And this BITCH is giving you trouble?"

With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly illuminated. "Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess. The girl had had enough of this particular character. "These are the breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them."

So, there are these two pirates eh. One's got a wooden leg and a hook and even a patch too. The other one's just got the pirate clothes. So the second pirate says to the first, "how'd ya get that wooden leg mate?". The first reply’s "arrr, it done got bit off bye a varmint shark." The second pirate is of course impressed, "aye, dat's really a pirate ting to have happen. How'd ya get dat metal 'hook?" The first reply’s "lost err in a sword fight, bastard cut off me bloody hand!". "Aye, dat's really a pirate ting to have happen" says the second pirate, again impressed. "How'd ya get dat patch on your eye?". "Well I was up in the crow's nest eh, and I looked up to spy this seagull" says the pirate's pirate, "and the damn ting shit right in me eye". In disbelief the second pirate says "Well, how'd dat make ya blind?" The first pirate replied: "Arr...first day wit me 'ook."

A man walks into a bar, sits down and drinks a beer. Then he drinks another beer, and another and...soon he needs to take a leak. He's standing at the urinal in the men's room, when he looks over and notices three black men standing at the other urinals. He notices that the one in the middle has a white cock. He zips up and, still a bit confused, goes back to the bar. He orders another brewsky and mentions to the bartender, "I was in the men's room and noticed three black men in there. I swear the one in the middle had a white cock! The bartender says, pointing, "You mean those three guys at that table over there?" "Yes", the man says, "They're the ones." "Well," replies the bartender, "those guys aren't black. They're coal miners. The one in the middle must have gone home for lunch."

Clinton was at a fund raiser. He had to take a leak so he went to the bathroom, stepped up to a toilet and whipped it out. Just then Jessie Jackson walked in, went to the toilet next to Clinton and took his out. Clinton looked down and said "Geez, Jessie, how the heck did you get such a big cock?" Jessie said "Easy, every time I am about screw, I slap my dick on the bed post four times, as hard as I can". Clinton put this in the back of his little mind. When Clinton went home, he saw Hillary sound asleep. Bill felt the urge, so he whipped little willie out and slapped it real hard four times against the bed post. At that time, Hillery said "Is that you Jessie?"

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