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A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis, her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?" The Jamaican replied, "No, Mon that says Welcome To Jamaica Have a Nice Day".

What does a man and a floor have in common? You lay them right the first time you can walk all over them forever!!

A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray "God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue. "God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!! Back to the synagogue. "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???". Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself: "JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET"

A fireman comes home from work and is all excited. He just can’t wait to tell his wife the good news about a new system that they have down at the station. "Honey!" he says, "you’re not going to believe this! Down at the station we have this new system and it’s so great. When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear. When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck. When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck." He excitedly tells his wife. Triumphantly he says, We’re going to do the same thing for our sex life! When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked. When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed. When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out. Let’s give a test run. OK, ready? "Bell #1!" (they strip naked) Bell #2!" (they hop into bed) "Bell #3!" (they start screwing there brains out) a couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming "Oh, Bell #4! Bell #4!". The husband confused says,"Bell #4, What’s that?" The wife screams "More hose! More hose! Your not reaching the fire!!!"

A miner comes out of the hills, enters a bar, orders a drink. Looking around, he asks the bartender, "Hey, where’re all the wimmin?" The Barman replies, "Ain’t no wimmin here, not fer a long time." "Well what do y’all do?" "We do it with the animals." Thoroughly disgusted, he ordered another drink and headed back to the hills. Months later, same story... After downing too many whiskeys he asked the bartender, "You’re sure you do it with the animals?" "Yes, we do, sir" Hearing this, he raced into the street and saw a pig run into an alley. He chased after it and started having his way with it, the pig squealing. After a while he heard a noise behind him. He turned to look and saw half the town, horrified. The bartender was in front and said, "My God, man, what are you doing?" "I thought you said you all did it with the animals." "Yeah, but no one fucks the sheriff’s broad!"

What’s an elephants main sex organ? His foot, cuz if he steps on you, you’re fucked!

Definition:  Politics Poli (Poly): Many.... Tic(k)s: Blood sucking creatures

A textbook nerd is at the beach one day, baring his chest and showing off his pale, shrunken chest, and of course all the girls are laughing at him and drooling over the weight-lifting hunks. So in desperation the kid goes to the lifeguard and asks, "How can I do something to get these girls interested in me? What can I do to show off?" The lifeguard takes pity on this poor guy, with his puny muscles and baggy trunks and lanky hair, and finally he says, "Tell you what - why don’t you take a potato and stick it down your swim trunks. That way the girls will think you’ve got something really big and hard down there, and they’ll want you." So the nerd decides to give it a try. He struts around the beach with a potato in his shorts, and all the girls give him weird, disgusting looks and tell him to get the hell out of there. The nerd can’t understand what’s going on, so he goes back to the lifeguard and asks, "What am I doing wrong? You said they’d like me if I put a potato in my shorts!" Without even batting an eye, the lifeguard says, "You gotta put the potato in the FRONT, kid!"

One night little Johnny got up to get a drink of water.... while walking past his parents he was forced to stop and scream daddy daddy what are you doing to mommy. The dad simply replied mmmm… just making your brother Johnny …..go back to bed. The next day when the dad got home from work he found Johnny crying on the stoop ....he asked Johnny what was wrong and Johnny replied oh daddy this morning I saw the mailman trying to eat my new brother

Man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says "Oh no, its so late, my wife’s going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"

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