Page 25

What's the definition of safe sex in Arkansas? Branding the sheep that kick.

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? Hump-me Dump-me!

A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet. "What's this," she asked. "Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!"

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?" "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!" "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do ya see me fucking the guy in front of me?"

Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn't touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him. "Hey pal, is something wrong?" "Yeah,... I'm really depressed" "Why, what's the matter?" "I caught my wife in bed with my best friend" "Wow, that's horrible. What did you do?" "I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing it's over" "That's pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?" "I sat him down... tied him up... looked him straight in the eye... and said... Bad Dog! Bad Dog!"

A couple had been dating for about 2 years and decided to get married. The young girl turned to her boyfriend and said "The reason we never had pre-marital sex is because from the waist up I am flat chested and I didn't want to disappoint you. I just wanted you to know before we got married." He answered with "That's OK...I love you for who you are, not your physical attributes." Then he added "You should know before we get married, from the waist down, I am just like a baby." She replied with "That's OK...I love you for who you are too, and not your physical attributes." The marriage went fine and the first night on the honeymoon when they took off their clothes, she took one look at her now husband and fainted. He quickly ran to her and revived her saying "Honey, honey, what is the matter?" As she came too, she muttered "I thought...I thought you said you were a baby from the waist down!" He said "But I am.....21 inches and 8 1/2 pounds."

A sixty-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunch time she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?" The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. "What happened to you feet?" his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called tolio." "Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes." He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had kneesles." "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees." When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so. One day they came with an idea -- each time they have sex, they will put $20.00 bill into piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year. After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank. The husband looked at their savings and says; "Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into piggy. But here we have many $50.00 and a few $100.00 bills." The wife replied; "Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?"

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't" , said the madam. "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. At the second one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't" , said the madam. "If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the madam said, "Why yes, this is a union house." "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That’s more like it!", the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir", said the madam, gesturing to a fat woman in her fifties in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

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