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A nun is walking down a deserted road when a man grabs her and starts raping her. After the rapist is done, he says, "Hey Sister, what are you going to tell the other Sisters now?" "I'll tell them the truth, that you grabbed me, threw me to the ground, and raped me twice....unless you're tired." she responded.

A man was looking all over town to find a friend of his. He walked down the street and came to a barber shop. He stuck his head inside and asked, "Bob Peters here?" The barber replied, "Nah, we just do shaves and haircuts."

So you think your life is bad? Just think how the life of an egg is. You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard and 2 minutes to get soft. You have to share a box with 11 other guys. And the only chick who ever sat on your face was...your mother!!

A lady hails a cab, takes it across town, then tells the cabbie to pull over. He says, "That'll be twelve bucks." She says, "I haven't got any money, but how about a bit of this?" She pulls her dress way up and she's naked underneath. He takes a look and says, "Jesus, lady, haven't you got anything smaller?"

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing! ". . . On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again...". The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, ". . . On the road again . . ." The M.A. is totally unimpressed..."So what?" he says. "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?", the guy asked. "Are you kidding?" says the M.A. "Any asshole can sing country music!"

One day a pretty lady walks into a bar. She goes up to the bartender and asks for a National Bohemian. The bartender gives her the beer. She shoots it down and passes out. The bartender picks her up, moves her to the back room and lies her on a cot. At closing time, the bartender returns to the back room. The lady is still there, passed out. He takes off her clothes, screws her, then leaves. He comes in the next morning and she is gone. Later that afternoon, the lady comes into the bar again. Again, she request a National Bohemain from the bartender. He gives her the drink. She shoots it down and passes out. The bartender picks her up, moves her to the back room and lies her on a cot. At closing time, the bartender returns to the back room. The lady is still there. Again he takes off her clothes, screws her and leaves. When he returns the next morning, she is gone. Every day the following week the lady returns and request a National Bohemian. She shoots it down, passes out and is moved to the back room by the bartender. Every night he goes back, removes her clothes, screws her, and leaves. Two weeks pass and the lady doesn't return. Another week later she walks into the bar again. This time she walks up the bartender and request a Schlitz. The bartender asks: "A Schlitz?? I thought you drank National Bohemian." The lady replies: "I did, but I think it makes my pussy hurt!"

Joe is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be or else it won't start. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." Joe sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Joe decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"

Italian New York Hotel Experience..... One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand . I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.

A guy was stranded on a desert island for ten years. One day he was sitting on the beach watching the waves when in the distance, he saw a speck. "Its a Ship!" he thought. Then the dot came closer, "Its a boat!" he thought. Then the speck came closer still and he saw that it was actually a beautiful shapely blonde beach maiden in a wet suit on a surf board. The Blonde walked over to him and in a sultry voice asked, "Do you see anything you want?" He thought for a moment, "Gee you wouldn't happen to have any beer would you?" The Blonde unzipped a watertight compartment in her wet suit and produced a small can of beer, which he gulped down. "Now do you see anything you want?" she asked again. He thought for a moment more. "You wouldn't happen to have and cigarettes would you?" he asked. The Blonde pouted for a moment then unzipped another watertight compartment in her wet suit and produced a pack of smokes. The guy immediately lit one up and took a long drag. The Blonde inched closer to him and in a deep sultry voice asked, 'Don't you want to play around?' The guy looked back astonished. 'Holy Cow,' he asked surprised,' you mean you've got Golf Clubs in that thing?'

A woman goes into the doctors office and says "Dr. I have a problem, I fart all the time but my farts are noiseless and they don't smell...In fact, I have farted no less than twelve times since I arrived here!" The doctor wrote down a prescription and said, "Take these for a week and then come back to see me." A week later the woman goes back and storming into the office complains, "Doctor, I think the pills made it worse, I keep farting all the time and even though the farts are still noiseless the now smell terrible!, what have you got to say for yourself?" Doctor: " Good, we have taken care of your sinuses, now we can move on to your hearing..."

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