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Two vans were racing from L.A. to San Francisco one filled with lesbians and the other filled with gays. Who got there first and why? The lesbians did because they were doing 69 the whole way while the gays were still at home packing their shit.

This guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the casinos. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three room suite. The room is nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. The guy drops his bag on money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the city. He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with. He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best high-priced call girls in the city. Thirty minutes later there’s a knock on the door. The guy opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself. "Now, down to business," he says, "how much for a hand job?" The hooker says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00" "What, that’s outrageous. "Come over here," She says walking toward one of the windows," see that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good. "All right, screw it, money is no object." A half hour after she’s done the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself. "That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job? "Honey, a blow job is $5000.00." "What, that’s outrageous." "Come over here," She says walking toward another one of the window, see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good. "All right, screw it, money is no object." The guy gives her $5000.00. An hour after she’s done the guy is laying on the couch Head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks ,gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself. "My god that was the best blow job I have ever had, I’ve gotta know, How much for some pussy?" The hooker looks at him and says, " Honey if I had a pussy, I would own this whole city."

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the South. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford Buck's 2 country boys in the next booth notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over, and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out she launches the groceries all over the place dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck "You're right that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."

The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack. His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support. That night the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off. Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive. At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. "I've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to lay you or Jack off." "Oh, jack-off" Mary says, "I've got a headache."

A slightly retarded farmer has a farm up the coast of California. Unfortunately, there are no women around. He gets rather desperate, and decides to try out an old mule. He puts a stepladder behind the mule, lowers his pants, but then the mule walks forward. The farmer gets down off the ladder, moves it forward, and tries again, with the same outcome. This process goes on for about 5 more iterations, until he finally gets the idea to lead the mule up to the ocean, so the mule can't walk away. When he gets on the ladder again, he hears a cry for help out to sea, and sees a drowning woman flailing her arms. He jumps off the ladder, swims out to rescue her, and drags her back in. The woman is totally nude, beautiful, and stacked as well. After he revives her and nurses her back to health, she gazes into his eyes with her limpid blue eyes, and says "Oh sir! I'm so thankful to you for saving my life! I'll do anything to repay you! Anything!!" So he says to her; "Could you hold that mule for me?"

Once upon a time. Little Red Riding Hood's mother (being concerned about the increase in violence in rural America) gave Little Red a .45 caliber gun for protection. Little Red kept this gun in her basket. One summer day while on the way to her grandmothers house, a big bad wolf jumped out from behind a tree and howled "I'm going to fuck your brains out!" Little Red pulled out her gun from the basket and calmly replied: "Oh no you're not, you're going to eat me like the story says."

A Montanan is driving down the road and suddenly sees this Californian hitch hiking. He pulls over offers him a lift and down the road they go. After a few miles they come across this sheep with its head stuck in a fence. The Montanan immediately pulls over and jumps out to check out the situation. After a minute he yanks out his dick and begins ramming the sheep from behind. After awhile of doing this he calls out to the Californian who is still in the car, "Hey, you wanna give it a shot?" The Californian shrugs his shoulders and says, "sure." He gets out of the car approaches the sheep and then sticks his head in the fence.

This one guy goes to the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says "Hello, sir, what are you here for?" The man replies "Doc, for a week I have had an orange dick!, it started scaring me so I came here" The doctor then asks him "What have you been doing all week?" The patient thought and replied "I have just been sitting around watching porno’s and eating Chee-Toes"

How did the Dairy Queen get pregnant? The Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper

So anyway, this duck walks into a drugstore and says, " Give me some Chap stick and put it on my bill". Same duck walks into the same drugstore and says, " Give me a condom." To which the druggist replies "Do you want that on your bill?" The duck says "No, I'm not that kind of duck."

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