Page 30

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. "Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?" That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

An elderly man tells the Doctor he is planning on marrying a women of 30, and would he have any suggestions. Yes, says the Doctor I would advise you to take in a boarder. A year later at his 80th year check-up, the Doctor asks how everything is going. He says fine his wife is pregnant. The Doctor remarks, so you took my advise and took in a boarder ? Yes I did, is the reply, and she's pregnant also.....

Sam and Abe, now in their late seventies, first met in the second grade in a school on the lower East Side of New York. Their relationship now is one of playing pinochle, playing jokes and making bets. Sam calls Abe and says, "I got a bet for you: I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars!" Abe says, "How can that be? If you knew anything about biology, you ..." Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard, ...one thousand dollars, ...yes or no!!" Abe says, "Okay, okay, I'll take your bet! How long is yours soft?" Sam says, "Eleven years!"

A big Texan took a job out of state. The company required him to have a physical before starting work. The Texan was in the waiting room when a beautiful woman called him in. The woman asked him to remove his clothes and put on a gown. The Texan complied, when he took off his shirt the woman exclaimed... "My, you sure have big shoulders" The Texan replied "maam, I'm from Texas, everything in Texas is big" When the Texan removed his pants, the woman exclaimed... "My you sure have big legs" The Texan replied "maam, I'm from Texas, everything in Texas is big" When the Texan removed his underwear, the woman was fabbergasted, and decided to sample his manhood. As she was bent over the table the Texan asked.. Ma'am, what part of Texas did you say you were from ?

What did the dumb blond say to the large breasted waitress after reading her name tag? What did you name the other one!!

A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning."

Two lions were lying around in the jungle. One of them his licking his asshole. The other lion asked him, "Why are you licking your asshole?" The second lion replied, "Aww, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

A woman strode angrily into the large drug-store-cum-general-store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?" The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'?"

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife. "I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant it?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter, "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the gold." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife. "You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the back garden!" The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

A seventy-five year old guy, his hair is completely white, marries a twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant. Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward. He says to the nurse, "Well, how'd I do?" The nurse says, "She had twins." He says, "Heh, heh, heh...well, I guess that goes to show, that even if there's snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace." She says, "Well, then you'd better change filters. Both of the babies are black."

To Page 29 Coop's Home Page To Page 31 Back To Dial A Joke-Page