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An old man goes to the doctor to ask him an important question. "Doctor, when I was in my 20's, it took both of my hands to push down my hard-on." "When I was in my 30's, it took one hand to push down my hard-on." "When I was in my 50's, it took three fingers to push down my hard-on." "Now that I'm in my 60's, it only takes one finger to push down on my hard-on!" "So what I'm basically trying to ask you is? How strong am I going to get?"

These two guys go camping, and after two weeks, decide they need a break from each other. So they decide to split up for a few days, and meet up back at the campsite. When they return, the first guy says, "I had the most wonderful time! I hiked for a few miles, and found a beautiful little stream in a valley. There was a little deer, drinking out of the stream.it was wonderful! I spend the whole three days there." "Well, that's okay," says the second guy, "but check _this_ out. I followed some train tracks, and found a gorgeous girl, tied to the tracks! I untied her, and we had the most amazing sex, for three days, in every imaginable position!" "Wow!" says the first guy, envious. "Did she give you oral sex?" "No," says the second guy. "I couldn't find her head."

This British explorer is in the dark jungles of Africa, going where no man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and trouble shooter in one. One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in "playful activities" with 8-9 beautiful, dark, young women, all in the nude. The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the Britisher had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was. "He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir," came the reply. "This is his morning ritual." "Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be this size?" The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation. "Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return. "He said, 'There's nothing wrong with my penis. Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'"

Two gays are having sex, when suddenly a guy on the TV says that there is an emergency, and everyone has to leave the city. Which one is ready to leave first? The one on the bottom, he's already got his shit packed.

An Amish girl and her mother were driving their buggy one day in the winter, when the girl told her mom that her hands were cold. She said to put them between her legs, so she did. The next day the girl and her boyfriend were riding in the buggy and he said to the girl that his hands were cold. The girl said to put them between her legs and he did. The next day the girl and her boyfriend were riding in the buggy again and he told the girl that his nose was cold and she told him to put it between her legs, so he did. The next day the girl and her boyfriend were riding in the buggy and he told her that his penis was frozen solid, so she told him to put it between her legs and he did. The next day the girl was riding in the buggy with her mother and asked her if she knew what a penis was. She replied, "Yes, why?" "Because they sure do make a mess when they thaw out."

Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!" "I've been circumcised." "What's that mean?" "It means they cut the skin off the end." "How old were you when it was cut off?" "My mom said I was two days old." "Did it hurt?" "You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

This lady walks in to a Porn shop one day complaining about the fact that her husband isn't enough for her any more and that she is sexually frustrated. The guy behind the counter suggests a Dildo or Vibrator, the lady blushes as he shows her the different sizes and shapes she can choose from, Last but not least he shows her the 'magic dildo'. Just say to the dildo what you want it to do and it will be done. The lady goes home, reads the instructions carefully, places the dildo on the chest of draws, and lies on the bed naked with her legs spread. She say's 'Dildo - pussy'. The dildo lifts off, turns around and shoots straight between her legs. After an unknown amount of time she tires of it and says 'dildo - stop' only to find that it doesn't, it keeps going. She grabs it and pulls it out, dildo jumps strait back in however. She grabs it again, throws it across the room and runs out of the house screaming naked with the dildo chasing along after her. She runs around the corner to be confronted by a policeman wondering what she is doing naked on the street, she explains to him that a magic dildo is chasing her. The policeman only laughs and says 'Magic dildo my ass!'

Did you hear about the gay man who was fired from the sperm bank? He was caught drinking on the job.

A popular whore house was visited by a lesbian. The lesbian requested a 15 year old, and the madam replied "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors to lickers."

This bloke in a bar spots a lovely blonde lady coming out of the female toilets, he's a bit piss and thought he may as well have a go at her. Bloke:I want to kiss you all over. Lady: Go away I've got a boyfriend. Bloke: I also want fuck your brains out, com on your tits and fill you pussy up with beer and drink it with a straw. The lady was furious after being spoken to like that and she runs over to the bar where her boyfriend is sitting. The bloke sees that she's run over to this huge bikey and he realizes he's going to die. The lady begins telling her boyfriend about the incident. Lady: That guy over there said he wanted to kiss me all over. Bikey: He said what! Lady: That's not it then he said he wanted to fuck my brains out. Bikey: He's dead, I'm gonna kill him Lady: That's not it, then he said he wanted to cum on my tits. The Bikey slams his beer on the table and stood up ready to kill. Lady: There's more. Bikey: More? Lady: Then he said he wanted to fill my pussy up with beer and drink it with a straw. After hearing that the Bikey sits back down and quietly has another sip of his beer. Lady: What aren't you gonna kill him? Bikey: No! Any man that can drink that much beer is a better man than I.

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