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You know you're getting old when you can't tell the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm.

What should you do with your asshole before you have sex? Pack him a lunch and send him to work!

A guy's truck broke down. He went to the near by house and asked if he could spend 2 nights there, the woman said "Ok sure". In the middle of the night the man wakes up and shaves the cat. When the lady finds out in the morning she says "Ok that's it! the next night you have to sleep in the barn!". The guy agrees. In the middle of the next night the man paints the donkey red. When the woman finds out, she throws him out of the house. She calls up one of her girl friends and says " You wouldn't believe this, but this guy who I let sleep over my house shaved my pussy and painted my ass red!"

A man stops off at a bar after work to have a couple of drinks. He starts talking to this woman, and even though the guy is married, he thinks she is so fine that he agrees to go back to her place. When he gets to her place, he finds out that she is a prostitute and that she wants $75. "Forget it," the man says, "you never told me you were a prostitute." "But I do have $10 on me, will you take that?" "You won't get any decent prostitute for that," the hooker says. She throws the guy out. Later that night, the man and his wife go out to dinner. While they are eating, the same prostitute who happens to also be eating there recognizes the guy. She comes up to him and says, "See, I told you." "Look at the kind of trash you'll pick up for $10."

Work Environment: (Wise manager) + (Wise employee) = PROFIT (Wise manager) + (Dumb employee) = PRODUCTION (Dumb manager) + (Wise employee) = PROMOTION (Dumb manager) + (Dumb employee) = OVERTIME

These two women went out for a night on the town and got just totally sloshed. At the end of the evening they decided to take a short cut through a cow pasture after being unable to find a ride home. They became lost so split up to try and find the road home. One of the lushes doubled back only to stumble on the other flat on her back sucking on, and playing with a cow's udders. Her friend screamed "what are you doing"? the other lush says "shut up, with all these guys here someone'll drive us home".

Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John said to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!" Two days later. George to John, "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but she sure isn't a lot better than your wife."

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said to his wife, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball- don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost." They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you--I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes--I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "OK, great!" the husband said." I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life. "No problem--it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie?" the husband said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "35," she replied. "And he still believes in genies?"

Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the US study were incorrect. After three years of research and a cost in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the German study were released, Poland decided to conduct their own studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75, the Polish study was complete. The polish study came to the conclusion that the reason the head of the man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

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