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A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock.. "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!" He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway. "What condition does he have?" the student asks. "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma". The student takes some notes on that,and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. "What about him?" the student asks."What's his story?" "Oh, it's the same condition." the doctor replies "But he has a better health plan."

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so ... I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Mom, Dad ... Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Heh heh," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

A blonde woman competed with a brunette and redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked; "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 minutes. The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes long. Since the average length of a penis is about 6 inches, the average girl receives 216 inches of penis or 18 feet of penis per intercourse. If the average girl does it 3 times a week, (that makes 156 times annually) 156 x 18 feet of penis makes 2808 feet, or just over a half mile of penis per year. If a girl starts having sex at 16, and since the average life span of a woman is 75, you could say that you could be getting 2808 feet of penis x 59 years of sex makes 165,672 feet, or 55,224 yards, or a little over 31 miles of penis in your lifetime. Anyone whose getting more than that, well, yer just a big ol slut. Leave some for the rest of us.

One day a grumpy old man was taking care of his grandson when he decided to have a nice cold beer. When the child saw this he asked "Grandpa, can I have some?" and the Grandpa replied, "Does your dick reach your ass?" "No," said the child. "Then you can't have any beer!" Later on the Grandpa decides to have a cigar and once again the child asks him if he can smoke one too and the Grandpa replied, "Does you dick reach your ass?" and once again the child says no so the Grandpa told him he couldn't have one. A few hours later the child comes in with two ice creams one in each hand and the Grandpa asks him, "Can I have an ice cream?" and the child asks him, "Does your dick reach your ass?" The Grandpa feeling confident replies, "YES!" and the child tells him, "Then go fuck yourself!"

Monday, two boys were in court after doing their community service for vandalism charges, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your asshole before prison..... and (pointing to the large circle) this is your asshole after prison.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." the chief gives him a sword, he shouts,"Vive la France!" and runs himself through. The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and pulls the trigger. The New Yorker says, "gimme the fawkin' fork." the chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The new Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and asks, "my God almighty, what are you doing?" The New Yorker says, "so much for your canoe, you stupid asshole!"

If a bra is an upper topper floopper stopper and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker and roll of toilet tissue is a super duper pooper scooper What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea? A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy!

Three guys were applying for the priesthood. The Cardinal was going to give them a test. He tied a bell attached to a string on each of their penises. He told them that he was going to show them pictures of naked girls and if the bells rang then they would flunk the priesthood test. He showed the first guy the pictures and nothing happened. "you passed", the Cardinal said. He showed the naked girls to the second guy. Nothing happened. "you passed." He showed the pictures to the third guy. Nothing happened. The Cardinal said "all of you passed." The Cardinal turned to put away the pictures but dropped them. He bent over to pick them up and all three bells went "ding, ding,ding."

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