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A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?" The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight" The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter" The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning." The old Chinese man counters "OK, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man." "OK, OK" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girls bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience." Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest". "What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle". The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bed post".

Little Johnny and his dad went shopping at the grocery store. Walking down an aisle, Johnny asked his dad if he could have a box of Lucky Charms. His dad said," Well, Johnny, can you touch your asshole with your dick?" Johnny said, "No!!" Johnny's dad said, "Well, there's your answer." Later, Johnny asked if he could have Spagettios. His dad, again, said, "Can you touch your asshole with your dick?" Johnny said,"No!!" His dad said, "Well, there's your answer." At the end of the shopping trip, Johnny's dad felt bad about how he had talked to Johnny, so he bought him an instant lottery ticket. Johnny scratched the ticket and found that he won $1,000!!! His dad said,"Hey, Johnny, you gonna share the money with your old man? Johnny asked,"Dad, can you touch your asshole with your dick?" Johnny's dad said.,"As a matter of fact, I can!" Johnny said,"GOOD, GO FUCK YOURSELF!!"

A man was having pain in his penis. His doctor examined him and announced, "you clearly have Mongolian syphilis. We"ll have to amputate." The man was really upset and went to another doctor for a second opinion. This doctor, too, after examination said, "Yes, you have Mongolian Syphilis. We"ll have to amputate." The man decided he would go to a real expert, a Mongolian doctor. After examination, this doctor too announced, "You have Mongolian Syphilis." The man said, "well, the American doctors said I would have to have it amputated." The Mongolian doctor replied, "Oh, American doctors! All they want to do is cut, cut, cut. Wait three weeks; it'll fall off by itself."

I've got something you don't have!" A little boy and girl were outside playing and they were very competitive. The little boy said "My wagon's bigger than your wagon!" The little girl said "No it's not!" The boy said "Is too! Let's measure!" They measured and the girl said "Oh gosh, it is." They played some more and the boy said "My daddy can beat up your daddy!" The girl said "He can not!" The boy said "Can too! Watch!" The two fathers fight and the little boy's father wins. The girl says "Oh gosh, he can." They play some more and the little boy smiles and says "I've got something you don't have!" The little girl says "Do not!" The boy says "Do too! Look!" He pulls his pants down and shows her. The little girl starts crying and runs into her house because she keeps losing. A little while later she comes out with a big smile on her face. The little boy says "What are you so happy about?" The girl pulls up her dress and says "My mommy said as long as I have one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!"

Boyfriend: Do you smoke after sex? Girlfriend: Dunno, I've never looked

Cinderella was all set to go to the huge ball, but she was having a severe case of PMS. She was crabby and pissy and moody and generally not in the partying spirit. Well, her fairy-godmother again came to her rescue by providing Cinderella with a magic tampon. The fairy-godmother said, "Put this in and your PMS will be gone. Just remember, you have to be home by the stroke of midnight or the magic tampon will turn into a pumpkin and that is gonna be painful as hell to get out." So, off Cinderella went to the ball in a great mood ready to dance the night away. Midnight comes and goes, however, and no Cinderella. Her fairy-godmother is worried to death. 1am, 2am, 3am and no sign of Cinderella. Finally she comes home at 4am. The fairy-godmother was distraught. "What on earth happened to you?" she said. "What about the magic tampon. I've been worried sick about you." "Oh don't worry," Cinderella replied. "I met this really great guy named Peter-Peter."

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. "And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up. "OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd. "Gosh, that's pretty good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?" One hand stays up. The speaker blinks. "Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?" The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said "goat'."

A Koala walks into a bar. A hooker comes up to the Koala and says, "hey hairy, want a date?" The Koala says sure, and they sit in a booth in the corner. The hooker and the Koala start to get-it-on and end up with the Koala performing oral sex on the hooker. Afterwards the hooker tries to get her money, but the Koala refuses. "Hey," says the hooker, "don't you know the definition of a hooker?" And the Koala says, "No, sorry, I don't." And the hooker says, "it's someone who has sex for money." And the Koala says, "Well I guess you don't know the definition of a Koala." "What's that?" asks the hooker. "An animal that eats bushes and leaves."

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said," here put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants, she said." "That's Right!!" , said the husband, "and don't you forget it." "I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "that's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"

Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and reminiscing about old times. One says to the other, "Darling, do you remember the minuet?" The other replies, "Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!"

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