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How can you tell when an Iraqi woman is on the rag? She's only wearing one sock.

60percent of all Orientals have cataracts; the other 40 percent drive Lincoln Continentals.

What is grosser than gross? Having a dream about chocolate pudding and then waking up with a spoon in your butt?

This guy goes into a bar leading a half-sized alligator on a leash. The bartender yells at him, "You can't bring that animal in here!" The man says, "This isn't just any old alligator, he knows tricks. I'll show you." He lets the alligator climb up on the bar, then says, "This alligator can hold his mouth open for any length of time you say, to the exact second. Name a time." So, the bartender says "47 seconds." The man says, "OK, when I say go, start your watch. Go!" The alligator opens its mouth wide, while the bartender watches his mouth. The man says, "To prove how much confidence I have in my pet, I'm gonna lay my dick in his mouth. But, just for safety's sake, start counting the seconds from 45 on." The man does so, and when the bartender starts saying "45...46...47..," right when he says 48 the man pulls back his dick and the alligator's mouth snaps shut. Everyone at the bar was very impressed with this stunt. The man says, "Thanks a lot! Now, would anyone else like to try?" And, of course, all the men just sort of mumble and turn back to their drinks. I mean, trust only goes so far. One little guy at the end raises his hand rather timidly. The man says, "You there!! You're a real man! You're brave enough to try this??!" To which the other man says, "Yeth, but I don't think I could keep my mouth open the whole 47 seconds."

Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

Well, you know what they say... If you can't fight 'em... bite 'em. If you can't beat 'em... eat 'em. If you can't do 'em... chew 'em. If you can't stomp 'em... chomp 'em. If you can't whip 'em... nip 'em. If you can't waste 'em... taste 'em. Public Notice: If Mike Tyson ever says he wants a piece a you... take him literally!

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."

Wife: Who was that on the phone? Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau. Wife: What did he say? Husband: He asked if the coast was clear...

Why do men have bigger brains than dogs? So they won't hump your leg at a cocktail party.

How is sex like air? It's no big thing unless you aren't getting any.

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