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How did they find out Jeffrey Dahmer was a cigarette smoker? They found a bunch of butts behind his couch. ************ What is Jeffrey Dahmer's favorite line of clothing? Dis-Members Only

Jeffrey Dahmer had his mother over for dinner when she suddenly said, "You know, Jeffrey, I don't like your neighbors..." Which he responded, "Just eat the vegetables then..."

A Rabbi walks into a bar to use the rest room. He walks up to the bartender, and asks "Can I please use the rest room?" The place was hoppin' with music, and dancin', till they saw the Rabbi. The bartender says, "I really don't think you should." The Rabbi again, asks, "Can I please use the rest room?" Well, the bartender says to the Rabbi, "I really don't think you should, you see, there is a statue of a beautiful naked lady, and she's only covered by a fig leaf!" The Rabbi responded with, "Nonsense a man of my stature will not be bothered by that statue!" Well, the bartender showed the Rabbi the door at the top of the stairs. The Rabbi proceeded to the rest room, and after a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hoppin' with music and dancin' again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand, when I came in here, the place was hoppin' with music and dancin', then the place became absolutely quiet. I went to the rest room, and the place is hoppin' again." The bartender says, "Well, now you're one of us, can I get you a drink?" The Rabbi says, "I still don't understand." The bartender told him, "You see, every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, can I get you a drink?"

Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa. After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the Colonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it; this is the first time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand."

Three couples (friends) travel together to a resort hotel, only to find that their reservations have been screwed up, and they all have to stay in one room. There are 2 king-sized beds, and it is decided that the men will all sleep in one, and the women in the other. In the middle of the night, the guy in the middle wakes up, and says to the man next to him, "Let me out. I have GOT to get to my wife! I have the biggest hard-on I have ever had, and I've got to get to her NOW!" The other guy says, "O.K. Do you want me to come with you?" "What the hell for?" asks the other. "Because that's MY dick you're holding!" says he.

When her five-year-old daughter began asking questions about the facts of life, the mother carefully explained how babies were made. For several days, the child went over this fascinating new material with her mother. "So the sperm from Daddy fertilizes the ovum from Mommy and the baby is carried in Mommy's tummy." "That's right, honey" her mother said. "But how does the sperm get there?" she asked. "Does Mommy swallow it?" "If Mommy wants a new cocktail dress, she does," came the reply.

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch. Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door. "KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!" Husband: "Guess who?" Wife: "I know who it is!" Husband: "Guess what I want?" Wife: "I know what you want!" Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon, to school, as a present for his teacher. He handed it to her. She started to guess what was inside. "Chocolates?" she asked. "Nope." "A Cake?" Johnny shook his head No. Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth, then said, "Ah, I know-dill pickles." "No," Johnny said, "it's a puppy."

This couple out on a date get a flat while driving along on a snowy night. He goes out to change the tire, but doesn't have any gloves so before long he comes back in, job half-done, with blue hands. "Put your hands between my legs to warm them up," says she. So he does, and goes back out to the flat tire. It's so cold, he has to come back in one more time to warm up his hands, again at her invitation, between her legs. He finally finishes the job and comes back into the car triumphant and puts the key into the ignition. She looks at him and says, "Aren't your ears cold?"

The recently married couple split up shortly after the wedding. The trouble started when the husband arrived home from work and found his new wife lying naked on the couch. "What's for dinner?" he asked. "Pussy," she replied. "Damn," the husband spat. "That's what I had for lunch."

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