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How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?. They left the plunger in the toilet!

What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits your windshield? It's asshole.

What’s the difference between an Iraqi woman and the New York Rangers? The Rangers shower after three periods!!

Four retired guys are out, first one tees up, slices his ball into the trees, has to go retrieve it. While he's gone, one guy says "So Bob, how's your son doing?" "Well, you know my son's got an auto dealership, and they had their best year ever. It was so good that he gave a friend of his a car." "So Bill, how's your son doing?" "Well, you know my son's got a boat dealership, and they had their best year ever. It was so good that he gave a friend of his a boat." "So George, how's your son doing?. "Well, you know my son is a real estate broker, and he had his best year ever. It was so good that he gave a friend of his a house." Meanwhile, the guy who lost his ball is back: "So Sam, how's your son doing?" "Well, I dunno. You all know my son's gay... But he’s must be doing something right because some friends gave him a house, a car, and a boat."

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says: " Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the pet store. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs over to the pool table and ate the cue-ball. The bartender said "Your monkey just ate the cue-ball!!! GET OUT NOW!!" the man left. Two months later the same man comes back with the monkey on a leash. The monkey jumps off his shoulder and grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out then eats it" The bartender said " Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his ass then eat it?" The man says "Yeah ever since to cue-ball incident he checks everything for size"

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help. A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again. The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?" He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!"

A guy rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. He smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor guy breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..." He precedes her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed guy stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out "Oh, it's got to be your ears!" She's astounded! Why my ears? Looks at these boobs! They are full, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm, doesn't sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!" Clearing his throat once again, he stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming - THAT WAS ME!"

When Casey stated he was getting married, his pet parrot was very upset & insisted on going on the honeymoon with the couple. "Okay, okay", his owner agreed to the bird, "You can come along, but I don't want you looking. You gotta promise that you'll look the other way when we're making love...and if you break your promise, you'll get nothing to eat!" Not wanting to be left at home, the parrot readily agreed. Before leaving on their honeymoon, Casey & his new bride were packing their suitcases, the man, out of breath, says to his wife, "I can't get it all in honey, you'll have to sit on it." She says, "No, that won't work, I'll get on top and press down." "No that's not gonna work, why don't we both get on top?" It's then that the parrot thinks to himself, "Food or no food...this I GOTTA see!"

A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words. "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. "Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' .... ....So, here we are!"

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