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Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

My wife telephoned me: "I think there's water in the carburetor." "Where's the car?" I asked her. "At the bottom of the lake."

A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap? "Why sure you can," her grandfather replied. As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?" "A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog." The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please please MAKE a sound like a frog?" Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?" "Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"

Two brothers were getting dressed for school. The older one says,"I think I'm old enough to start cussing." Younger one, "Me too. Whatcha gonna say?" Older boy, "Dad says 'damn' a lot, so that's what I'll say." Younger boy, "I'm gonna say 'betchyer ass', Dad says that all the time. They go down for breakfast, sit at the table. Mom comes in, says to the older one, "What would you like for breakfast dear?" He replies, "Gimme a damn bowl of Fruit Loops." Mom knocks older son off his chair, turns to younger one, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?" Younger son, "Betcher ass I don't want Fruit Loops!"

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?" Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you letter to God which ran as follows: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washingto D.C. As usual those bastards deducted $95.00.

This kid walks into a general store one day and asks for a job. The owner tells him that he doesn't need any help. The kid is persistent so the guy tells him to watch him when the next customer comes in. If he can do what he does, he'll give him a job. A few minutes later a customer comes in. "Good afternoon sir. What can I do for you?" The guy says, "I need some grass seed." So the owner goes and gets it. When he gets back he says, "How about a lawn mower to go with this." "What do I need a lawn mower for?" "Well when the grass grows your going to need something to cut it with." "Yea, OK, I'll take a lawn mower too." After the customer was gone, the owner turned to the kid and said, "That's how it's done. Can you do that?" The kid said, "Sure." So the next customer comes in and says, "I need some Tampax." The kid says, "Yes sir.", and goes after them. When he gets back he says, "Would you like a lawn mower to go with that?" The guy says, "What the hell do I need a lawn mower for?" The kid replies, "You might as well cut the grass. Your weekend is shot, that's for sure....."

A whole family was caught in a small boat during a sudden storm off the shores of Florida, but towed to safety in Fort Lauderdale by the ever alert U.S. Coast Guard. "I always knew God would take care of us," said the composed five year old daughter of the boat owner after the family got home. "I like to hear you say that," beamed the mother. "Always remember that God is in His heaven watching over us." "Oh, I wasn't talking about THAT God," the five year old interrupted. "I was talking about the COAST God."

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions." Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!" She sat down, red-faced. "Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin. "The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan. "Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!"

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