Page 5

Patti, a well-stacked blonde, sat on the examining table. Dr Donovan placed his hand on her bare breast, "You know what I'm doing, don't you?" he asked. "Yes," she murmured, "You're checking for breast cancer." Donovan then began caressing her stomach. "Of course," he continued, "you know what I'm doing." "Yes," she smiled. "You're checking my appendix." By now the M.D. couldn't control himself any longer. He ripped off his clothes and began making love to her. "You know what I'm doing, don't you?" he gasped. "Yes," she replied. "You're checking for VD . . . and that's what I came here for."

Mike Mooney A Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100". Astonished the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way". The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man". The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, " This here pig weighs about 100 pounds". The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman".

A father approached his 14 year old son and asks him what he wants most for his birthday. The son replies, "I want to get laid Dad." The father says, "You are still a bit young for that." He takes him out to the backyard and shows him a tree with a knot hole in it. "Practice on this and we'll see next year," says the father. The next year the father asks the same question and gets the same reply. The father tells the son to practice on the knot hole for another year. On his 16th birthday the son says, "Enough with the knot hole already, I am ready for a woman!" The father agrees and takes the son into town to the local cathouse. He tells the madam, "One for me and one for my son." The madam replies "You go up the stairs and turn left, your son goes up the stairs and turns right." At the top of the stairs the father pauses to wish the son good luck and then goes into the room with the whore. All of a sudden he hears terrible screaming coming from the room where his son went. He runs over and bursts into the room. There he sees his son shoving a broomstick in and out of the whore while she is screaming at the top of her lungs. "What the fuck are you doing son?" yells the father. "Checking for squirrels Dad" replies the son.

A guy walks into a brothel and tells the madam he wants six girls for the evening. The next morning the madam informs the gentleman that there will be no charge. Very happy, he leaves. A few days later he returns, and again tell the madam that he would like six girls for the evening. In the morning the madam presents him with a bill for $1,000. Confused the man asks, "I don' t understand, on Tuesday it was free." "That's right," replies the madam, "but on Tuesdays we're on cable."

During the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami. "Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I'd like a small room for two weeks." "I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied." Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out. "What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there's a room." "Not so fast, madame. I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed." "Jewish? Who's Jewish? I happen to be Catholic." "I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?" "Jesus, Son of Mary." "Where was he born?" "In a stable." "And why was he born in a stable?" "Because a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his hotel."

This married couple was enjoying a dinner out when this gorgeous blonde walks over to their table, exchanges warm greetings with the husband and walks off. "Who was that?" Demands the wife. "If you must know, that was my mistress." "Your MISTRESS? I want a divorce!" "Are you sure you want to give up a big house in the suburbs, a Mercedes, furs, jewelry, and a vacation home in Mexico?" They continued dining in silence for a while. Finally, the woman asks, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?" "That’s HIS mistress." "Oh... Well I think ours is cuter."

The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing. The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside. After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions. Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him--he sauntered in. "Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?" The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone; "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep 'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

Three boys are playing outside just after dark, when one of them noticed a light on in a window. Billy says to Johnnie and Joey: "Let's take a peek!" They look in the window and see a pretty woman undressing. Suddenly, Johnnie runs away and the other boys can't find him. The next day, Billy and Joey see Johnnie and ask: "Why'd you run away, you some kind of faggot or something?" Johnnie replies: "No...My mother told me that if I ever do anything naughty, say anything naughty or even LOOK at anything naughty, God would turn me into stone. Well, when I looked in that window I started to get hard, so I ran away!"

The pilot came across the intercom and said "Folks we are experiencing major difficulties and we need to prepare for a crash landing". Everyone began to panic. The flight attendant starting to check on the passengers. She walked by one lady putting on make-up and fixing her hair. He said "we are about to crash what are you doing?" She replied "I heard that when the come to recover the passengers that they look for the prettiest one first". She shook her head and kept walking. Across the way she noticed another passenger putting on all of her jewelry. She asked her what she doing. She replied "I heard that they look for the wealthiest person first. She kept walking and came to a black lady taking all of her clothes off. She asked her what she was doing and she replied "I heard that when they come to rescue that they look for the black box first"!!

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

To Page 4 Coop's Home Page To Page 6 Back To Dial A Joke-Page