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A Cowboy riding down the trail encounters an Indian laying on the trail with hard on. The Cowboy asks "what are you doing?" Indian says" Me tellum time." Cowboy shakes his head, rides on, encounters another exactly the same. Says "You telling time?" yup" "how can you tell time like that?" Indian says "workum like sundial, readum shadow". Cowboy, incredulous, rides on. Encounters Indian in trail masturbating. Cowboy says "let me guess, you're telling time too." Indian says " Nope. But me windum clock!"

The Occupational Safety & Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is two persons at one time, unless I install handrails or safety straps." "As you have arrived 6th in line to ride my ass today, please take a number and wait your turn!!"

Two naked statues, a man and a woman, had been standing looking at each other, in a park, for a hundred years. An angel came to visit them and said that since they had stood there so patiently through all the summers and winters, they would be rewarded by half an hour of human life to do what they had been wanting to do most. So the two statues came to life, looked at each other, and laughed a bit and said "Shall We?" and "Yes Let's" and they slipped off behind some bushes and there was a lot of rustling. After a quarter of an hour, they came out from behind the bushes all hot and flustered and happy. The angel said they had used only half their time and why didn't they start all over again. So the statues giggled a bit and the man statue said to the woman statue, "OK, let's do it again. Only this time, we'll do it the other way around. I'll hold the pigeon down and you crap on it!"

Papa Mole, Moma Mole, and Baby Mole are in their nest. Papa Mole runs up the tunnel and sticks his nose out the entrance and says " I smell pancakes". Moma mole runs up the tunnel, sticks her nose out of the entrance and says " I smell pancakes". Baby mole runs up the tunnel and says " All I smell is Molasses".

For a boy's 15th birthday, his father gave him a duck, and said, "Go into town and see what you can get with this." The boy then went in search of the best deal he could find. He first ran into a hooker who offered, "I'll have sex with you if you give me the duck." He agreed. Afterwards, she was so impressed she said, "If you do it again, I'll give you the duck back." He thought that this was an excellent deal, and agreed. Since he had his duck back, he continued to walk through town to try to find something else. Suddenly, the duck flew out of his arms and into an oncoming truck. The driver of the truck was so sorry about killing the duck, he gave the boy 2 dollars. When the boy arrived home, his father asked what he received for the duck. His reply: "Well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and two bucks for a fucked up duck!"

Father Larry is in the confession booth one day when he has to go to the bathroom really bad. He Calls over to the janitor. Jim ,the janitor, comes over and Father Larry explains that he has to go to the bathroom and wants Jim to take over in the confession booth for him. Jim explains that he is not even catholic and does not think it would be appropriate for him to take over, Father Larry insist and explains to Jim that if somebody enters the booth to just look up the punishment in the book on the table. Jim agrees and sits down in the booth. The first sinner comes in and says 'Father I have sinned, I have cursed at my mother' Jim thumbs through the book and finds 'cursing at mother'. Jim reads the note and tells the sinner to say two hail Mary’s and they are forgiven. A minute later another sinner comes into the booth and says 'Father I have sinned, I cheated on my test'. Once again Jim looks it up in the book and tells the sinner to say three "our Father's" and they will be forgiven. Jim starts top enjoy his new job and becomes more relaxed. The next sinner walks in and say 'Father please forgive me, I have sinned.' Jim says 'My son, What have you done' The sinner replies 'I have had anal sex' Jim, feeling very comfortable goes over to the book and looks up anal sex, not finding anything he checks again, but sure enough they is nothing for anal sex. Jim starts to get worried and then he notices little Billy playing out back. Jim calls out to Billy 'hey Billy what does Father Larry give for anal sex?' Bill shouts back 'Two twinkies and a coke!

Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father." The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother." The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing."

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?" "Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--" His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?" "Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."

Three marines were stranded on a desert island with a lovely young blonde. After about 6 months the blonde, being so ashamed of what she had been doing, killed herself... About a year later, the marines, being a little ashamed of what they had been doing, buried her!!!

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