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A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that *you* were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"

Fred died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Fred. Lena replied, "You just put 'Fred died'" The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just "Fred died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Fred. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more." So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Fred died. Boat for sale."

The very young couple, having limited funds, returned to her parents after the wedding for their honeymoon night. The next morning the family gathered for breakfast and lunch without them. When it came time for the evening meal, the father ask of his wife and their 8 year old son, "Have any of you see the newly weds?" The mother replying she had not seen her daughter and new son-in-law. The brides' younger brother replied that he had seen his new brother-in-law about 10 PM when he stuck his head out the door and ask him if he knew where there was any Vaseline. To which the young lad further added, that since he could not find any Vaseline that he gave him his model airplane glue.

A man and his wife were driving their RV across country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand." The waitress looked at him and said: "buuurrrgerrr kiiiinnnng."

A guy is tending bar at a sophisticated NY party when two nose-in-the-air women approach. "So, where y'all from?" he asks. We are from," one of them answers, "somewhere where people don't end their sentences with prepositions." "Oh," says the bartender. "So, where y'all from, bitch?"

This big rough lookin cowboy walks into the bar. He orders up bottle after bottle of rottgutt liquor and proceeds to get really wasted...In the process he manages to anger just about everyone in the bar by being offensive and rude and being a big obnoxious fool... Finally he finishes up his 5th bottle and decides he's had just about enough. He proceeds to get up and swagger out of the bar. He gets outside to untie his horse from the post and he notices someone has painted his horses balls a real bright shade of yellow. This pisses him off immensely so he proceeds to blow back into the bar, slamming the doors open and yelling out at the top of his lungs. "JUST WHO IN THE SAM-HELL PAINTED MY HORSES BALLS YELLOW!!!!" After everyone in the bar rustles around a bit, a guy in the back of the bar stands up. This guy is HUGE, at least 6'10'' tall, pure muscle... He says to the cowboy, "I did, so what do you got to say about it, boy!!!" The cowboy looks back at this guy and says "Oh, I was going to let you know the first coat of paint is dry."

This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm. Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?" The drunk says, "Any girl that can life her leg that high HAS to be a ballerina!"

Customer: (to bartender) My wife and I just got into a knock down, drag out fight! What happened? When it was all over, she came crawling to me on her hands and knees! Wow! What did she say? She said, "come out from under that bed right now you coward or I'll kick your butt again!!"

A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink. The polish guy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me." The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that." "And why not?" asks the polish guy. The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian." "I don't care, send her the drink." says the polish guy. So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, "so what part of Lesbia are you from?"

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

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