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Sven and Osmond are good friends. Each day, they get together after work and have a shot in a local bar. This is a tradition that goes on for some time. One day, Osmond says to Sven, "Sven, if I die before you, promise me that you will have a shot for me, each day." Sven considers this and agrees. Well, sure enough, Osmond dies, and sure enough, Sven has an extra shot for him every day after work. This goes on for some time, and the waitress is quite familiar with the ritual and the reason. One day, Sven comes in and-get this- orders one drink. Well, the waitress is shock, and says, "But, Sven, aren't you going to have another drink for your friend, as usual?" And Sven says, "Well, you see, I joined Alcoholics Anonymous, but I don't think that Osmond should be punished for that."

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is. "Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber." "Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes" he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it?" "From my nose," the drunk replied.

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this the wife wants him to quit, so she gets 2 shot glasses, filling 1 with water the other with whiskey. She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm dies. She says" so what do you have to say about this experiment?" He says "If I drink Whiskey I won't get worms!"

A drunk man was casually taking a piss into a drinking fountain in the park. A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.. "What the hell do you think you’re doing. There’s a public toilet 20 feet from here!" The man, amazed, yells back.. "What do you think I have , a hose??!"

While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken unkept man sit down next to her. "Say, honey-baby ... I'd really like t'get into those pants o'yours." "Thanks," she shot back, "but I've already got an asshole in there."

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life buddy?" The other guy says, "Not too good. Every time me and the misses have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating." The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago." The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that." The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, How did you get on with the starter pistol?" The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said." The first guy says, "So what happened?" The other guy says, "She bit my cock, shit in my face, and a man came out of the closet with his hands up!"

A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. $20 the bartender replies. The guy says I'll bet you my tab, double or nothing that I can bite my eye. The bartender accepts and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it. He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. $30 plus tip. He bets the bar- tender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the guy cant have two glass eyes. The guy takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.

Chanowski & his other Polak drinking buddy are sitting at a bar . " See those guys over there ? " Chanowski says." I'm going over there and ask them what they think of Polaks." Chanowki walks up to the two guys sitting at the other end of the bar and asks them what they think of Polaks. One of the men gives Chanowski the finger. The middle finger. Chanowski then walks back to his drinking buddy. " Well , what do they think of Polaks? '' he asks. "We're still number one , " replies Chanowski.

This guy who stutters badly, walks into a Bar, and says, "Ssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a bbbeer". The Bartender, who is badly Humpbacked, serves him a beer and says, " That will be $2.50 please!" The Guy thinks that's pretty high priced and says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!" The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price, that's what we get!". The guy pays him and drinks it down. He then says, " Sssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a wwhiskey ppplease! The Bartender serves him a shot of whiskey and says, "That will be $5.00 please!". The guy says" Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!" The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price, that's what we get!". The guy pays him, drinks his whiskey and, before leaving he says" Bbbartender tthanks for nnot mmmaking fffun of my ssstuttering wwwhile I wwas in hhhere!" The Bartender replied, "Oh that's OK! I want to thank you for not making fun of my Humpback while you were in here." The Guy says "Oh ttthat's OK, eeverything else in tthis ppplace wwas so hhhigh, I ttthougt it wwas yyour ASS!

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Well... The bad news first... Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news? Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

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