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A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple." Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" "Wait a minute" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?" "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom." "Well, that can't be good for the condoms" "Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business"

Redmond -- Citing the event as a new era of peace and cooperation, Bill Gates today announced Microsoft's purchase of Netscape. Said Gates: "Hopefully now the world knows we're serious about the Web." Microsoft's first move will be to combine the two browsers, with the MINE (Microsoft Internet Netscape Explorer) browser due this year. "When we release this version," said Gates, "all Web access will be MINE."

The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared ? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket, which laid on the sandy beach. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief. The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.' 'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, ' you really know what I think ?' 'Yes', the lady replied, 'I know that you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom in it.'

A couple was at their 30th wedding anniversary given by some friends. Everyone was having a great time, except for the husband, who was standing out on the balcony alone. His best friend noticed him, approached and asked what was wrong. " From the day I was married, I hated my wife so much I wanted to kill her," said the husband," but my lawyer advised me not to, he said I'd spend thirty years in jail". " But that was thirty years ago, why are you sad now?" asked his friend. " Just think, "he said, " today I'd be a free man"

Two Samurai masters were having a debate over who was the better swordsman. After several minutes, each had given many reasons why he should be considered the better. As fate would have it, a fly flew in through the open window, and seizing the opportunity, the first master grabbed his sword, and with 2 quick slices, neatly quartered the fly in mid-air. "You can now see why I am the better swordsman, can you not?" "That was indeed a remarkable display of skill." replied the second. Again, as fate would have it, another fly came in through the open window. The second master took his sword and made one slash at the fly, which continued on its way. "AHaa, the fly lives!" cried the first. "Yes, this is so. However, the fly will never again reproduce."

So there were two guys on a roof, pounding nails. One guy pounded a nail in, then picked up another. He was holding the nail upside down. He unexpectedly threw the nail away. He picked up another nail, right side up this time, and pounded this in. He eventually threw so many upside down nails away, that his friend came over. "Eh, what you doing? How come you're throwing away all those nails?" he asked. "Because they're upside down," the friend replied. The other guy looks at the friend, then, after some thought, says, "You Idiot, save them for the ceiling!"

A man walks into a Doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks. "You're not eating properly," replies the Doctor.

Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation. After a while one of them said, "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation: A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Lately, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had a son. This boy was my half brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me grandfather of my half-brother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather and you think you have family problems."

There were this guy from Arkansas named Jethro walking down the road one day till he noticed his friend across the road carrying a bag. Jethro: "Hey Billy Joe what you got in that bag?" Billy Joe: "In this bag here I got me chickens." Jethro: "Chickens! I sure would like chickens. I bet you if I guess how many chickens you got in that thar bag you give me one..." Billy Joe: "Sheeeeiiit Jethro if you guess how many chickens I got in this bag I'll give you 'both' of them" Jethro: "uhhh...5" Billy Joe: "Nope"

A young, pregnant newlywed was visiting her doctor for a maternity checkup. The doctor checked her out and knowing this was her first child asked her if she had any questions. The young woman blushed and said, "...er...Doctor, my husband wanted to know...ah...how long I can continue to ah...er..." "Now, now," said the doctor in reassuring tones. "I know what you are asking. You can continue to have sex with your husband until the third trimester." "Oh no, Doctor. That's not what my husband wanted to know. He wanted to know how much longer I could mow the lawn."

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