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Page 188

Why will Ellen Degeneres never get water in her basement? Because her house is protected by a dyke!

There is a second grader that goes to the same school as a bunch of 6th graders. One day at recess they give her a quarter each, just to climb up a tree. Soon she is coming home every day with a bunch of money. Her mom picks up on this and asks her where she is getting all the money from. "At school a bunch of boys give me a quarter just to climb up a tree!" she says. "Well they're just trying to look up your skirt and see your underwear. "her mom says, "So don't do that anymore." "OK" So the next day when the girl gets home from school she has even more money and her mom says, "You didn't climb up the tree again, did you?" And the girl says, "Yeah, but this time I fooled them....I didn't wear any underwear for them to see!"

How do you get four old ladies to say the F word? Have the fifth one say.... BINGO!

What is the difference between a blonde and the Titanic? We know how many men went down on the Titanic!

What is the difference between Love, True Love, and Showing off? Spit, Swallow, and Gargle.

Did you hear about the Iraqi coyote that chewed off three legs and was still caught in the trap?

It was the first day of school and two of the boys were late for school. They came in at separate times. The first boy came in and his teacher asked him why he was tardy. He said, "Sorry mam, I had trouble getting off Cherry Hill this morning." Then the second boy came in and his teacher asked him why he was so late. He replied, "Pardon me, teacher, but I got caught up on Cherry Hill." Finally a girl wondered in, somewhat disheveled. The teacher was by now more than a bit irritated and said, "And I suppose you were detained on Cherry Hill?" "Why no mam." she responded with a smile. "I am Cherry Hill!"

It's 1860. The decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a true story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west. The place was Deadman, Kansas in the Sawdust saloon. The young man walked into the Sawdust saloon and to his surprise he saw Bat Masterson sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Bat and said, "Mr. Masterson, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?" Bat Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you." The boy stepped back and Mr. Masterson said, "You look good. You're wearing black, you've got two pearl handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what's more important son is, can you shoot?" The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano player's right sleeve. Bat Masterson said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?" Before Masterson could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player's left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun. "How was that?" the boy asked Masterson. Bat Masterson smiled and looked up and the boy and said, "That was pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do much better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you." "What's that?" the boy asked. "Well," Masterson said, "I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep in the lard." Puzzled the young gunslinger asked Masterson why he should do that. Masterson put his cards down for the second time, leaned back in his chair and said, "Well son, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano over there, he's going to take those two guns of yours and ram them right up your ass!"

Why are blonde's coffins always "Y" shaped? Because once you turn them on their back... their legs open!

Why is the Albanian Christmas later than our's? Because it took a lot longer to find three wise men and a virgin.

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