Coop's Jokes Page-228

Page 228

Little Bobby sat in the bathroom talking to his mother as she was taking a bath. She got up to dry herself when Bobby noticed something.

With a puzzled look on his face he asked his mother, " Mommy what is that?" She replied "That is where Daddy hit me with an ax."

Then Bobby replied "No shit, right in the pussy."

On a men's bathroom wall, someone had hastily scrawled, "I slept with your mother"

Underneath it, another person had written, "Go home dad, you're drunk"

What's the difference between a woman's hand and hot water?

Hot water makes meat tender, while a woman's hand makes it hard!

Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.

"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.

"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary.

"Well what is it, Mary?"

"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."

"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"

"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.

"What did he ask, Mary?"

Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:

Dear Wife,
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband,
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toyboy. You being an accountant will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one.

They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out that they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa.

They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license.

This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format.

Again they catch the clerk ... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.

Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards."

Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."

Great, just what I need," she moaned as he brought home a new microwave oven. "One more thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds."

When the milkman found a note on one of his customer's doors asking for 16 gallons instead of the usual quart, he rang the bell.

"Sorry to bother you, ma'am," he said, "but are you sure you want sixteen gallons of milk today?"

"Oh, yes," said the lady of the house. "I'm going to take a milk bath."

"Do you want it pasteurized?"

"No, just up to my tits would be fine."

Darling," a husband whispered to his wife late one night, "if I died, would you get married again?"

"I suppose so," she replied.

"Would you sleep in the same bed with him?"

"Well, it's the only bed in the house, so I have no choice."

"Would you make love to him?"

"Honey," the woman said patiently, "he would be my husband."

"Would you give him my car?"

"No," she yawned, "He can't drive a stick shift."

A middle aged couple is watching TV when a TV Evangalist comes on and promises to heal the sick.

"If only you would pray with him and place your right hand in the air and place your left hand on the afflicted area."

So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch and his wife says "Gee honey He said heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

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