Coop's Jokes Page-263

Page 263

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?

Congress!!

After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father's activities and be introduced to his father's clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up.

The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer-a rough-hewn man with calloused hands who was dressed in workman's clothing. He said, "Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."

The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"

The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, "My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."

The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"

After the client left, the lawyer's son could not help but express his concern. "Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows."

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him.

He answers that he looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

"You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of Cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"

Sex education has its own special problems," an instructor in the field pointed out to me.

"One of my students has become pregnant, and I don't know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit."

Also, as many of you have heard by now, George of the Jungle died yesterday in a freak accident in Colorado Mountains, his last words were, "Watch out for that treeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

Danny McGuire came home from work to find his lovely bride sitting in the living room still in her bath robe.

"Kate my wife" he says "what ever is the matter, yer still in yer robe."

"Ah Danny," says she, "tis poorly I'm feeling. I didn't know what to do so I called Doc McDonald. 'I'll need a specimen', he says and hung up. Danny, I don't know what a specimen is."

"Ah lass I don't know either, but if you high yerself up the stairs to Mrs. Murphy 'n' she'll be able to tell ye." Off goes Kate bounding up the stairs.

Soon Danny hears a horrible thump, bang and a hell of a crash. Opening his door, he sees Kate piled up at the bottom of the landing.

"Kate, what ever happened?"

"I tol' Mrs Murphy what the doc said and she told me to just piss in a bottle. So I told her to shit in her hat . . . and the fight was on.

A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to have sex? It was found that men prefered to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with "T":
Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday and Thunday

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golfball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past and the same guy is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."

"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"

Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"

The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and asked how much he owed. "No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord." when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest.

A few days later a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer.

A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge," the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop.

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