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Page 264

A young farmer is newly married and the couple can't get enough of it. Just before leaving the house for the fields at down they tear off a piece and when he returns home at evening they have another go before and after supper and maybe a couple more during the night. The problem is during the day: the fields are a long way from the house and the young man loses so much time traveling home and back again at noon that he decides to consult a friend (the town's doctor) about what to do. "Easiest thing in the world, Homer" says the doctor. "You take your rifle out with you every day don't you? Well when you feel like you're in the mood for some lovin' just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife for her to come out to you. That way you won't lose any workin' time." Homer tries this and it seems to work pretty good for a while. One day though the doctor stops by the house to pay a visit and he notices Homer sitting alone inside looking very morose. "What's wrong?" he asks. "Didn't my idea work? And where's your wife?" "Oh, it worked" says Homer. "Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like you said and Beckie'd come runnin'. Then we'd find a secluded place and do it after which Beckie'd go back home." "So what's the problem?" "Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain't seen hide nor hair of Beckie since the huntin' season got started..."

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbour was also a chicken farmer. The neighbour came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens." The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbour stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbour said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more." Another two weeks went by, and the neighbour stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbour asked, "what went wrong? What did you do to them?" Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far apart enough."

A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates. "Show me what you got, Pete," said Tex. St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings. "We've got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch" said Tex. St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc. "We've got that, too. We call it Six Flags." Whereupon. St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous. "We don't have that," said Tex, "but we've got a guy in Houston who can put it out."

Abe comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?" Embarrassed, Abe confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!" "If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!" So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Abe, should I moan now?" "No not yet." Abe begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?" "No, I'll tell you when." He climbs on top of Sadie and begins to have intercourse. "Is it time for me to moan, Abe?" "Wait, I'll tell you when." Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Abe yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!" "OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!"

The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her favorite fairy tales. "Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a Time...?"" "No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonite . . . "

The newlyweds could hardly wait to get to their room. Both tore off their cloths. The groom puffed out his chest and said "A hundred eighty pounds of dynamite." The bride said, "It's the fuse that worries me."

What about the man who crossed a mule with an onion and got a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes?

A minister was walking along a street when he came a cross a young boy holding a bottle filled with a clear liquid. The boy would shake the bottle and watch the bubbles, shake the bottle and watch the bubbles, shake the bottle and watch the bubbles. The minister became curious and asked the boy what he was doing. The boy said, "This is the most powerful liquid in the universe, it's turpentine." The minister, feeling that here was a perfect chance to teach the boy a moral lesson said, "No my son, the most powerful liquid in the universe is Holy Water. Just rub a couple drops on a pregnant woman's stomach and she will pass a boy." The boy though about it a moment and said. "Why that ain't nothing, if you rub a couple drops of this on a cat's ass, he'll pass a motorcycle."

Little 10-year-old Freddie goes for a long weekend with his uncle,a wealthy farm owner. One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Freddie who shouts out, "Uncle John! Come Quick! The bull is screwing the cow!" Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Freddie aside, and explains that a certain amount of decorum is required. "You should have said, 'The bull is surprising the cow'- not some filth picked up in the playground," he says. A few days later, Freddie comes in again as his aunt and uncle are entertaining. "Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!" The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, "Thank you Freddie, but surely you meant to say the cow, not cows. A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time, you know..." "Yes, he can!" replies his obstinate nephew. "He's screwing the horse!"

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding and it's my duty to give you a ticket." "Yup," said the farmer as he watched the trooper shoo away a pesky fly. "These flies are terrible," said the trooper. "Yup. Them are circle flies," said the farmer. "What's a circle fly?" asked the trooper. "Why, you know them flies that circle a horses tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies." Angrily, the trooper asked, "You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you? "Nope"," said the farmer, "but you just can't fool them circle flies."

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