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Page 265

A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn't know what's available or price. The clerk replies "we have Tennis Barbie and she's $28" Lady asks "well, anything else?" "We have an equestrian Barbie, and she's $28". Lady asks "anything else?" "Well, we have divorced Barbie and she's $250" The lady replies "I don't understand why divorced Barbie is so expensive. The others were only $28. What is so special about divorced Barbie?" The clerk replied "Simple, she comes with Ken's car, his house, and all his other stuff."

A priest went into the country to pay a visit to a 92 year old church member whom he had not seen for some years. She welcomed him into the parlor. While she made some tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating on top of it. Astonished and shocked, he quickly turned away. But after tea his curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it. "Oh, yes" she said enthusiasticaly, "While in town last year I found a package on the sidewalk. The directions on the back said 'keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease.' And you know, I think it works. I haven't had a cold all winter."

A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots. "Where is your costume?" the husband asked. "This is it," replied his wife. "What the hell kind of costume is that???" asked the husband. "Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife. "Now hurry and get your costume on." The husband went upstairs and was back in about 2 minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis. "What the hell kind of costume is that???" asked the wife. "I am a fire alarm," he replied. "A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing. "Yes," he replied. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come."

In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son Albert." The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny." "Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue. I'd say you must be an attorney."

A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her 60 bucks, she was shocked, "I only pay 50 bucks for my own haircut," she said with disdain. "But you don't bite do you?" the groomer quickly replied.

An artist had been working on a nude portrait for a long time. Every day, he was up early and worked late - bringing perfection with every stroke of his paint brush. As each day passed, he gained a better understanding of the emale body and was able to really make his paintings shine. After a month, the artist had become very weary from this non-stop effort and decided to take it easy for the day. Since, Karen, his model, had already shown up, he suggested they merely have a glass of wine and talk - since normally he preferred to do his painting in silence. They talked for a few hours, getting to know each other better. Then as they were sipping their claret, the artist heard a car arriving outside. He jumped up and said, "OH NO It's my wife! Quick, take off your clothes!"

It was reported that the daughter of Sonny Bono, Chasity, was seen at the funeral of her father wearing a neckbrace, it seems that she too ran face first into a bush!!!

A Priest and a Rabbi, who have been the best of friends for years, were always arguing the finer points of thier respective theologies, trying to prove the other one was wrong. One day they were riding in a car, they got cut off by a drunk driver. The car flew off the road, rolled five times end-over-end, and came to rest on it's roof. The Priest and Rabbi crawled from the wreckage and were amazed they were alive. As the Priest crossed himself, he noticed the Rabbi doing the same. The Priest shouts "Praise Be! You've seen the Light!" "What?" said the Rabbi. "You-you've crossed yourself. You have seen the True Way! "This is wonderful." "Cross myself?!? No no no. I was just checking everything was OK. 'Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet and Watch."

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare, his condition could be corrected by minor surgery. The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery. "How long will he be on crutches?" she asked. "Crutches?" the surprised doctor asked. "Well, yes," the woman said nervously, "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you? "

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