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When Blue Collar workers go out together on a week-end they talk about football. When middle management are together, they talk about tennis. When Top management get together they discusses golf. Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."

WHAT IF DR. SEUSS WROTE COMPUTER MANUALS? If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situations' hopeless, and your system's gonna crash. If the label on your cable on the gable at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the suckers's gonna hang. When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Having had one drink too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display a nasty side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?" As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars." She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

There is an Irish man getting ready to jump to his death from a bridge when a Priest walks past. The man turns to the Priest and says, "Don't try to stop me father, I'm going to jump." "Don't jump." says the Priest, "It can't be that bad. Think of the life you have yet to live." "That's one of the reasons I'm jumping" Says the Irish man. "Well if that won't stop you, think about your family." says the Priest. "That's another reason." says the Irish man. "Well think about your job." says the Priest. "There's another reason." says the Irish man. "Well if that won't stop you think about St. Patrick." says the Priest. "Who's that?" asks the Irish man. "Jump you Protestant bastard." says the Priest.

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze. When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs." The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

Sean was lyin' on his deathbed with his lifelong friend by his side. "Paddy, me dear friend, ye remember that grand case o' scotch we won at poker when we were in the merchant marine these many years ago?" "Aye, Sean, that I do. Some thirty years ago it was." "Well, laddie, I never told ye, but I set one bottle aside, and I've kept it even to this day." "Ah, Sean, heart of me heart, 'tis a fine thing ye've done!" Paddy's mouth was watering at the thought of having a last drink with his bosom buddy, a shot of magnificently aged whiskey. With great difficulty, Sean raised himself up on one elbow, reached out and clutched Paddy by the lapel of his jacket and looked him straight in the eye. "Paddy, me own, would ye do me one last, dyin' favor, in the name of our true and lastin' friendship?" Paddy returned his gaze with genuine affection. "Anything, Sean, ye know ye can count on me." Sean relaxed and fell back into his bed. "When they lay me out in that pine box and they lower me down into the ground and they cover me over with sod, Paddy, me boy, will ye take that fine bottle of scotch and pull the cork, and pour the whiskey all over me grave?" (pause as Paddy swallows) "Aye, Sean, that I will ... But would ye mind if it passes through me kidneys first?"

Two nuns were living in the jungle, doing their good work. One day they were strolling through the bushes, as suddenly two dangerous looking guys jumped before them. Each of them takes a nun, throws her on the soil and starts raping them. 'Oh God', the first Nun, ' forgive him, 'cause he doesn't know what he is doing..' 'Well, mine sure does !', groans the second Nun.

For the umpteenth time Mrs. Youngston came to her parish priest to tell him, "Father, I'm so scared! Joe says he's going to kill me if I continue to come to your church." "Yes, yes, my child," replied Father Francis McCrady, more than a little tired of hearing this over and over. "I will continue to pray for you, Mrs. Youngston. Have faith - the Lord will watch over you." "Oh yes, Father, he has kept me safe thus far, only....." "Only what, my child?" "Well, Father, now he says if I keep coming to your church, he's going to kill YOU!" "Well, now," said the priest, "Perhaps it's time to check out Father Lawrence Greider's parish over on the other side of town."

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