Coop's Jokes Page-267

Page 267

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.

"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"

"Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored.

The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art at the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"

"I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a proctologist.'

A horny young man went to a brothel...The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available..

Lady - "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses...they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers....they..."

Man - "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor !"

Lady- "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses..."

Man- "It's obvious, ma'am... teachers always make you do a thing over and over again... until you're perfect at it !!"

Three very religious rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf.

A guy named Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play. So he joins the rabbis and plays 18 holes.

At the end of the game his score is 104. The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71. He says to them, "How come you all play such good golf?"

The lead rabbi said, "When you live a religious life, join and attend temple, you are rewarded."

Mulhaney loves golf and figures, what do I have to lose. So he finds a temple close to his home, attends twice a week, converts, joins and lives a holy life.

About a year later he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70, 71. He says to them, "Okay, I joined a temple, live a religious life and I'm still shooting lousy.

The lead rabbi said to him, "What temple did you join?"

He said, "Beth Shalom."

The rabbi retorted, "Schmuck! That one's for tennis!"

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr.Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he,too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

A man was sitting in a bar, on one side of him sat an Emu, the other a Cat. He ordered a round of drinks for the three of them and paid the bartender. The bartender brought their drinks and the three sat in silence drinking.

A short while later the bartender came back and asked if they would like another round, the Cat indicated yes and the bartender poured another round and moved towards the cat for payment. The Cat turned his head away and ignored the bartender, so the man reached into his pocket and took out money and paid the bartender.

After a while the bartender returned, asking if they would like another drink. This time the Emu indicated yes, and another round was poured, the Emu placed the money on the bar and the three continued drinking.

This continued all night, each time it came to the Cat, the Cat continued to turn it's head and ignore the bartender when payment was required.

Finally, with the man in tears, cryng harder each time it was the Cat's turn, the bartender, unable to contain his curiosity any longer asked the man what the situation was - he'd been in the bar all night drinking with an Emu and a Cat, and each time it was the Cat's turn, it turned away, yet the Emu paid up with no problems.

"Well", says the man "I found this lamp washed up on the beach, as I was rubbing it clean, a genie appeared and granted me a wish. I thought long and hard, then wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

It's just too hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money." she replied.

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Russian man standing there. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her $1000 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000.

Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."

"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you!!

I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g., "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter."

One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message:

"I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."

A little boy comes in from school and asks if he can take his dog, Molly for a walk.

"You can't, dear, Molly's in heat." said the mother.

"What's heat, Momma?" asked the boy.

"Your Dad's out in the garage. You better go ask him." said Momma.

"Hey Daddy, I want to take Molly for a walk, but Momma says I can't cause she's in heat. What's heat?"

Well, the Dad was cleaning some tools in some gasoline. He took a rag, dipped it in the gasoline and rubbed it all over Molly's rear end. "Don't worry about it, son. This will fix her." With that the boy took Molly for the walk.

About twenty minutes later he returned without the dog. "Where's Molly, son?" the Dad asked. "She ran out of gas about two blocks away, daddy," answered the boy, but don't worry, one of the neighbor's dogs is pushing her home."

To Page 266

Coop's Home Page

To Page 268

Back To Dial A Joke-Page