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Page 444

How do you know your mechanic has just had sex? One of his fingers is clean.

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

A woman dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing her, she hears a woman screaming in pain. She looks in the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman's shoulders to fasten the wings. Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo. "I do not want to go to heaven", she tells St. Peter. "I'll go to the other place." "You don't want to go there", he replies. " They rape and sodomize you down there." "I don't care", she answers. "At least I already have some holes for that!"

After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing, disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really cheap." So the clerk handed him a mirror.

Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.

What does a blonde say after you blow in her ear? "Thanks for the refill."

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her. Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her. Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF*

A minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing. "Nothing much, Pastor," replied the one lad. "We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life." "Boys! Boys! Boys!" intoned the minister, "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex at all." The boys looked at each other and then all replied, pretty much in unison, "You win, Pastor!"

A virgin girl gets married to a guy who is renowned for being particularly well endowed. She's a bit nervous about the wedding night and explains this to her new husband.being sympathetic he works out a way around this-he'll show her his dick bit by bit. So the wife's lying in bed when she suddenly sees three inches of dick poking through the doorway. "are you sure your not nervous yet?" Her husband asks . "no I'm ok" she replies. Another six inches of dick promptly comes through the doorway. "are you still ok?" "yes im still ok" she replies. When another six inches appears in the doorway she says "I'm still not nervous" Ok her husband replies "then I'm coming up the stairs now!"

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy." The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..." "I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make your great lasagna."

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