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A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game." "When is that?" "Right after the National Anthem."

A man, named Roy, asked his doctor if there was a test to see to help him determine if he was gay. The Doctor said "Yes, there is. Please pull down your pants." Roy pulled down his pants, the doctor grabbed his testicles and told him to say 55. The man said "55." The doctor then grabbed the man's penis and told him to say 55. Roy said "55. "The doctor then told the man to turn around, and putting a finger in the man's anus he once again told him to say 55. Roy said "1.....2.....3....."

Once a blonde went to get her hair cut, but she was wearing headphones. The stylist said, "You gotta take off your headphones or I can't cut your hair!" The blonde said, "No! I can't! I'll just DIE without them!" So the stylist just sighed, and cut the ends of her hair until she fell asleep, the stylist said to herself, "I'll just take these off her to cut her hair. She won't notice." So the stylist did just that. After about 3 minutes, the blond fell out of the chair, dead. The stylist said, "I wonder what could have possibly killed her?! Maybe it had something to do with the headphones." She took the blonde's headphones and put them on her own head, just to see what was playing. The headphones where repeating, "Breathe in, Breathe out."

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before'. He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R ." The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?" Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R ." Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Tyrone, can you spell 'before'?" Tyrone stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E ." "Excellent Tyrone, now can you use it in a sentence?" Tyrone says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do." Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers." The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 1998. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?" Jon says, "Well, shit, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

Did you ever think that if the Pilgrims had shot a bobcat, instead of a turkey, that we'd all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving?

Have you heard about the new Mint flavored birth control pill for women they can take immediately before sex?........ They're called "Predickamints."

A man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question. Again, not amused , she screamed get the hell away. Later, she told her husband of the incident. he said he would stay home the following day just in case. Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes. The man replied, great, give some to your husband the next time you see him , and tell him to keep away from my wife.

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?" Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"

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