Page 100

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if she wants some. "How hard is it?" she asks. "About as hard as my dick." he replies. "Ok, then pour me some!"

A man & wife entered a dentist's office. The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is. The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

It isn't easy being a penis. (Imagine the penis speaking)!! I've got a head I can't think with. An eye I can't see with, and most of all I have to hang around with two nuts all the time. My closest neighbor is an asshole, my best friend is a pussy. Worst of all is my owner beats me all the time!

A guy walks into the drug store and asks for a package of condoms. The pharmacist says, "That'll be $5.00 with the tax." "Tacks", the guy exclaims, "I thought you rolled them on!"

A woman is visiting a gynecologist and as he is doing his thing she hears "You have the largest vagina I've ever seen - you have the largest vagina I've ever seen." The woman said "That may be, but you didn't have to say it twice!". "I didn't", replied the doctor, "the second time was an echo".

A woman calls a Contractor to her house to give her a bid on painting the interior of her house. She takes him into the first room and tells him that she wants it painted pale green. The contractor writes something down on his notepad, goes over to the window and yells down "green side up". The homeowner takes him into the next room and tells him that she would like it painted rose colored. The contractor again notes it on his note pad, goes over to the window and opens it. He then yells down "green side up". The woman was curious, but continued to show him the rest of the house. In each room the contractor notes her color choice on his notepad and yells out the window "green side up". When the homeowner had completed the tour, she asked the contractor why he always yelled "green side up" when she told him her color choice, when the colors were all different. He laughed and replied I have a crew of blondes across the street laying sod.

A man is sitting on a bench in front of the gates of heaven waiting for Saint Peter to show up and his best friend Tim sits down next to him. So they sat and talked for a while until Saint Peter showed up at the gait. St. Peter said "Im sorry guys but we only have room for one more person right now". So the two friends started arguing about who should go in. "You go Tim , no you go , no you, back and forth they went. St. Peter stopped them and said I'll stop this, each one of you will write me a poem about my favorite place "Timbuctoo" and whoever has the best one will go to heaven. So they both wrote a poem and the one man , wanting his friend Tim to go to heaven rather than him, decided to write a really bad one. So they went back to St. Peter and he asked Tim to read his poem first. He said it and it was pretty good. So next Peter asked the other man to read his poem. So he cleared his throat and read; Me and Tim a hunting went, spied three madiens in a tent, since they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Tim bucked two.

Bob was worried about his wifes hearing so he visited the doctor. The doctor gave him step-by-step instructions on how to determain how serious the problem was. Later, when he got home he saw his wife in front of the oven. He stood in the doorway and said "Honey what are we having for dinner tonight?" No answer. He then moved three steps closer and said it again just like the doctor told him to, and still no answer. He moved three more steps and now he was right behind her. He shouted "HONEY WHAT ARE WE HAVING FOR DINNER TONIGHT?" His wife says, "For the third time, meatloaf you deaf Bastard!"

Great practical joke for a Wedding: Collect a lot of keys from the wedding party/friends WITHOUT the bride and groom's knowledge. Pass them out to as many women as possible (swearing them to secrecy). During your speech announce "The bride realizes that the groom has had a lot of girlfriends over the years. She would appreciate it if any of them who have keys to his place please return them." This is the cue for all the women to bring the keys to the wedding party table. Try to get a couple pregnant women in the group and maybe somebody's grandma.

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