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Staking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible D.U.I. violators, a cop watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door, tripped on the curb and tried 45 cars before opening the door to his own and falling asleep on the front seat. One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled him over and administered a Breathalyzer test. When the results showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him how that was possible. "Easy," was the reply. "Tonight was my turn to be the decoy"

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?" "Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally. About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH GOD . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!"

Unka Willard been fish'n down by de crick all de day and he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout redeye to leave when de dun spied a snake wit a toadie frog in hits mouth. He knowed that dem big bassfish likes toadie frogs so he dun decided to steal that froggie. That snake, hit be a cottn mouthed water moccasin so'd he have to be real carefull like or he'd git bit. He snuk up behind the snake and grabbed him roun the haid. That ole snake di'nt lik hit one bit. He commemced to squirm'n an wrapped hitself around unka Willard's arm try'n to get free, but Unk had a real good grip on his haid. Well Unka Willard pried hit's mouth open and got de frog and put's it his bait can. Now Unka Willard knows that he cain't let go of de snake or hit's goin' ta bite's him, but he had a plan. He reached into the back pocket of'n his bib over-hauls and pulls out a pint o' moonshine likker. He pours a couple of draps inta the snakes mouth. Well that snake's eyeballs roll back in hits head and hits body goes limp. Wit dat Unka Willard toss's duh snake inta da crick then he goes back tuh fish'n. A while later Unka Willard dun feel sumptin tapp'n on his barefoot toe. Well he slowly look down and dare be dat water mocassin, and he gat two toadie frogs in his mouth.....

A Huge 300lb. woman walks in to a tatoo shop and asks the artist, "Sir could you do a tatoo of Iron Mike Tyson on this leg?" "And another of Mohammad Ali on this leg?" "Sure I think I can do that just come on back and have a seat." A couple hours later the man gets finished up and shows the woman the final product. The woman takes a look at the tatoo for a while and says, "well sir we have a problem, this dosen't look like Iron Mike Tyson and this sure as hell dosen't look like Mohammad Ali." The man sits and thinks for a second and says to himself, "man I sure as hell don't want to get into a fight with this 300lb. woman"...he sits for a little longer and comes up with a solution. He tells the woman "ok here's the deal, you go out side and the first person you see I want you to ask them if that tatoo looks like Tyson and if that one looks like Ali." So the woman agrees and walks outside to this drunk man walking down the street, she approaces the man pulls up her skirt and asks him, "Sir does this look anything like Iron Mike Tyson to you?" Takes a drink of his wine and says (in a drunk voice) "naw sure don't." Woman: Well ok now, "does this look anything like Mohammad Ali to you?" Taking another sip he says nope that sure don't but you see that one in the middle that looks just like Don King..

Up in heaven there is a white picket fence. On one side stood GOD on the other side stood Satan and a few of his henchmen. The devilshelpers were kicking holes in the fence. GOD said "if you don't tell them to stop, I'll sue you". Satan started laughing and replied "You think you'll find a lawyer on your side of the fence"?

How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung? You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do? Shoot the lawyer twice.

What do a lawyer and sperm have in comon? They both have a one in a million chance of being human.

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man."

What's the difference between John and Lorena Bobbitt? She's crazy and he's just nuts!

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