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A little boy comes to his Mom one day and asks her, "Why does Daddy eat light bulbs?" The mother laughs and says, What makes you think that your father eats light bulbs?" The boy replies, "The other night when you didn't know I was listening, I heard Daddy say to you, 'Turn out the light Honey, and I'll eat it!'"

Gary matched Dan, drink for drink, trying to get him to talk about what was bothering him. Gentle prodding was ignored until after downing his ninth, Dan blurted out, "OK, it's your wife." "My wife?" his friend demanded. "What about my wife?" "I think she's cheating on us."

It was a black man.....a hungry, thirsty bum. He was looking for food in a garbage can, when suddenly he finds a can of Pepsi. He opens the can and a magic genie comes out. "You get three wishes, be very careful and don't spoil them." "OK, OK," and without hesitation he says, "first I want to be white. Second, I want a lot of girls, naked girls, beautiful girls sitting on my face! And third, I want plenty to drink.... lots of water. Bam, presto...the Magic Genie turned him into.....a toilet!

Two nuns were driving down a country road when a naked man jumped out in front of them and began dancing lewdly. "What should we do?" one sister frantically asked. "Show him your cross." the other said. "Hey, mister, " the first nun yelled, as she rolled down her window, "get the fuck out of my way!"

A man was going to the dentist to get some teeth pulled. The dentist was about to give the man some local anesthesia to numb the pain. "Don't give me any drugs doc, I can take the pain." the man said. The doctor pulled the first tooth out and the man just grunted. Then the doctor attempted to pull the second tooth, only this one snapped in half. But again the man just grunted. "Wow, that sure is a lot of pain just to grunt at, have you ever felt pain like that before?" asked the amazed dentist. "Well, twice actually." said the man, "The first time was when I was out in the woods and had to take a crap really bad. I pulled down my pants and jumped over this log. Just then a bear trap closed on my balls and I started running...." "Damn that must have hurt." the dentist interrupted. "What was the second time?" "Oh, that would have been when the bear trap came to the end of it's chain."

What's the best way to catch Dolly Parton in the woods? Use a booby trap!

A man went out drinking with his friends and came home the next morning to find his wife waiting for him. He apologized for worrying her but proceeded to tell her that he had been in the most elegant bar in the world! "Everything was gold.. the carpets, the glasses, the cutlery, the curtains and even the urinal. Here... I have a book of matches in my pocket. Phone if you don't believe me." The incredulous wife did just that and asked the manager, "Is everything in your establishment really gold?" "Yes," he replied, "everything is gold colored." " Even the urinal?" she queried. The manager put his hand over the phone and said to his bartender, "This is the wife of that guy who relieved himself in the tuba last night."

A man from Idaho goes to New York City, on business, for the first time. After checking in to the hotel he goes down to the bar to have a drink. He orders a rum and coke. The bartender gives it to him and says, "That will be eight dollars." He give the bartender the money and says, "Man, everything is so expensive here in New York!" The bartender replies, "It cant be that much more than where you live." The man replies, "Oh yes, it is! Why do you know that, in my home town, you can go out drinking all night for nothing! And if you feel you've had too much to drink. You can check into the finest hotel and spend the night for nothing! And not only that, when you wake up there is a twenty dollar bill on the pillow next to you!" The incredulous bartender says, "I find that very hard to believe. Has that ever really happened to you?" The guy replies, "Well no, not exactly...but it happens to my wife all the time!"

It was graduation night at Cox High School and they were about halfway through the ceremony when the principal said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem, Bubba is a few credits short and won't be able to graduate tonight." Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox's football team, and when the student body heard that he wasn't going to graduate, they all jumped up and started to chant, "Give Bubba another chance, give Bubba another chance!" Pat Dye and the principal had a quick conference and afterward, the principal announced that they have decided to give Bubba another chance. Bubba is told that he will be given a "One Question" math test and if he passes, he can graduate. The question is, "What is 2 plus 3?" Bubba thinks for about 20 minutes and finally says, "I have it! The answer is 5!" There is complete silence in the auditorium for a couple of seconds and then the entire Cox High School football team jumps up and begins to chant, "Give Bubba one more chance. Give Bubba one more Chance!"

There are three guys, an Italian, a Frenchman and a Texan. They are all discussing what they do to get their women hot. The Italian says, "First I light a candle and drip hot liquid wax all over her body, then I follow with a tender nibbling at each spot of wax until they're all gone. Then she's hot!" When the Frenchman was queried he replies, "First I take a bouquet of roses and I pull all the petals off and sprinkle them all over her body. Then I go all over her blowing them off, one at a time. When I'm through, she's really hot!" The previous two gents now ask the Texan what he did to get his woman hot. He replied, "Well I don't do anything that exotic! What I do is, I pick her up and throw her on the bed, grab her by the ankles and fuck the shit out of her. When I'm done, I wipe my dick on her new curtains. Man, does she get hot!"

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