Page 58

Why were there only 49 contestants at the Miss Ebonics USA pageant? No one wanted to stand up and say. . .Idaho...

Three birds are flying over head when one spots a dove. He swoops down, picks up the dove and takes it into the bushes. After a few minutes, the dove comes out and says, "I'm a dove and I've been loved!" The birds continue on. A little later the second bird sees a lark. He swoops down, picks it up and goes into the bushes. A few minutes, the lark comes out and says, "I'm a lark and I've been sparked!" The birds continue on. A little later the third sees a duck. He swoops down, picks it up and takes it into the bushes. After a few minutes the bird comes out, then goes back in. Then the duck comes out and says, "I'm a drake and there's been a big mistake!"

The plane contains a pilot, co-pilot and a load of sheep. The route is long and the weather is abominable. Nearing their destination the pilot realizes that the fuel is insufficient. "I'm afraid we are just not going to make it Steve. We must prepare to jump." advises the pilot. The co-pilots says, "WHAT ABOUT THE SHEEP!" "FUCK THE SHEEP!" replies the pilot. "DO YOU THINK WE HAVE TIME?" Steve Inquires.

What's twenty feet long and smells like piss? A crowd of old people line dancing.

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Hi stranger, my name is Mike. I'll give you a free beer if you can guess the name of this bar in three tries." The man says, "Thanks...Mike's Place?" "Nope." "Mike's Tavern?" "No," "Mike's Pub?" "No, but here's a free beer anyway. Nobody ever get's it. The joint's name is Sally's Leggs! "That's a good one." the man says and proceeds to get royally ripped. The next morning the man is still drunk and sitting on a curb, when a cop pulls up and ask's him what he is doing there. He responds, "I'm just waiting for Sally's Leggs to open, so I can wet my whistle!"

One day poor old Lena decided she didn't want to be in this world any longer. She resolved to commit suicide. She figured the best way was to shoot herself in the heart...but she didn't know just where her heart was. She called a doctor for the information. The doctor said that usually on a women, the heart is located about four inches below the left nipple. Lena followed the directions perfectly and was therefore very surprised to regain consciousness in a hospital. "I should be dead!" she wailed. "Don't worry, lady," the orderly answered, "your knee will mend before you know it!"

Guy's walking down the street when he sees a sign in front of a store that says, "Any flavored Ice Cream - $1". Guy goes into the store, slaps down a buck and says, "I want pussy-flavored ice cream." Clerk nods, goes in the back of the store and comes back with an ice cream cone. "Here's your pussy-flavored ice cream, sir!" Guy takes the cone and walks out of the store. A few seconds later, he comes storming back into the store all pissed off. "Hey! I thought you said this is pussy-flavored ice cream!" Clerk says, "It is pussy-flavored ice cream, sir." Guy says, "So why does it taste like shit?" Clerk says, "Because, sir, you're taking too big of a lick."

Centuries ago when the Seas were ruled by pirates, there was a certain captain. One day this captain was relaxing when the lookout burst into his quarters. "Captain, pirate ship off the port bow!" The captain then called for his first mate and said, "First mate, bring me my red shirt!" The red shirt was brought to him, they went into battle and won. The next day the lookout again burst into the room and said, "Captain, two pirate ships closing fast!" Once again the captain called for the first mate and said, "First mate, bring me my red shirt!" The first mate brought him his red shirt and once again they won the battle. During the celebration the first-mate asked, "Captain, why do you always ask for your red shirt when we go into battle?" "The answer is simple. That way, if I'm injured, the crew won't know and they won't lose hope." Just then the lookout burst through the door, "Captain, ten ships closing fast!" "First mate, bring me my brown pants!"

The daughter of an Indian chief visits his doctor. She tells the doctor "Big Chief no fart." The doctor tells her to give him three pills a day. The girl comes back the next day and tells the doctor, "Big Chief no fart." The doctor then gets really worried and tells her to give him ten pills an hour. The girl comes back the next day and says, "Big Chief no fart." After hearing this the doctor gets so pissed off that he tells her to give him a jar an hour. The next day the girl comes back crying and says "Big fart no Chief!"

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures. The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the friggin hell was that?" She replies, "EYE--LEFT TIT -- BEHIND -- THE BUSH!"

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