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Judge: Well, Tawanda, as I understand the charges, your man, Tyrone came home drunk the other night and violated you. And you want him put away for a while. Tawanda: Not exactly, your Honor. He did as you say, but then he'd done that many times before. This time, when he was done violating me, he went and grabbed little Annie with the glasses and violated her! Judge: Oh, I see. I guess that would be the last straw! Tawanda: Oh, no your Honor. He'd done that twice before, also. The last straw was when he put little Annie's glasses on his violator and said, "Look around big boy and see if you missed anybody!"

The boys decided to go swimming, on a hot day. They went to the public pool. Soon the lifeguard calls them over. She says, "I've been watching you two. You will have to leave now. "But why?" "For peeing in the pool." "Well, but everyone does that." the boys replied in unison. "Not from the diving board, they don't!"

A blind man went to a lumber yard for a job. The boss didn't want to just tell him no, so he told him that if he could pass a test, he'd hire him. He had one of his employees take him out back to identify some lumber. He brought the man to a pile of pine paneling, the man walked around the pile and sniffed, correctly identifying it as pine paneling. The employee thought, "How did he do that?" Next he took him to a pile of 2x4's. These he also correctly identified after sniffing around a bit. Now they were all amazed. They decided it was time to trick him. They brought out the receptionist and laid her buck naked on her back. The blind man walked around and sniffed. Obviously puzzled he walked around and sniffed and walked around and sniffed some more. Scratching his head, he told them to flip it over. They did so and the sniffing continued. Suddenly he started laughing and said "You think you've got me, don't you? Well I know what that is. That's the shit house door off of a tuna boat!

A man is walking down a beach during sunset when he stumbles across a lamp. Picking it up he says to himself, "I wonder if it's magic. I think I'll rub it and find out." Well sure enough this man rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says to the man, "I'm your genie and I am at your command. I shall grant you three wishes on one condition. Everything you wish for, your wife gets double." Well the man thought about it and finally blurted out, "Give me a million dollars." So the genie gave him a million dollars and his wife two million while reminding him of the "one condition". Next the man said, " I'd like a house on the east coast and a house on the west coast." So the genie gave him his two houses and his wife four houses. Finally the genie said, "You have one wish remaining but remember, your wife gets double." So the man thought for nearly an hour about his final wish. Looking up at the genie hovering over the sand he said with a sly grin on his face, "Ok Genie, I want you to beat me half to death."

One day Vito The Gat goes to his 14 year old son and says, "Today is the day that you get your first pistola!" The boy replies, "But I don't want a gun. I want a golden watch!" Vito looks strangely at his son and says, "Wadda you want wit a watch?" Before the son can answer that he says, "Picture this, you come home from a job and you find your wife in bed wit your best friend, Mario. What say then?" The son replies, "Time's up, Mario!"

Little Johnnie is sitting on the fence, watching a bull with two cows. The preacher walks up, and asks Johnnie what he is doing. Johnnie replies, "I'm watching that bull fuck the black cow." The preacher, aghast at the language, tells Johnnie that he should say that the bull is going to SURPRISE the black cow. Johnnie says, "OK." and the preacher leaves. The next day, after church, the preacher is shaking hands with all the parishioners as they leave. When Johnnie appears with his parents, the preacher kneels down, smiles, and says, "So, Johnnie, did the bull SURPRISE the black cow?" Johnnie replies, "He sure did! He fucked the white one!"

An old hearing impaired gentleman visited his doctor and he had been warned to be careful as he had a heart murmur. The doctor was therefore most surprised to see the old fellow out on the town, whooping it up. He got his attention and took him aside. "Don't you remember what I told you the other day?" he inquired. "Oh, I surely do." the old gent replied, "Best dang advice I ever had. I did just as you said. I got me a hot mama and I'm cheerful

A boy came home from school one day. His father asked him how his day was and the boy said, "Well Dad, I looked stupid because I did not know the difference between potential and reality." His dad says, "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with our next door neighbor for a million dollars." He came back with a shocked look on his face and said, "Dad, she said, 'Yes!". "OK son, now go and ask your sister the same question." A few minutes later he came back, shocked again. "Dad, she said, 'Yes!' also!" His dad told him, "There you go." His son looked at him, puzzled. "Dad I still don't understand." " Look son, POTENTIALLY we are multi-millionaires, but in REALITY we are dead broke and living with a couple of whores."

An Iraqui had flown to New York for his vacation. One day he wanted to go sightseeing and so he took a cab and headed for the Statue of Liberty. The cab was a Mercedes. When the Albanian saw the Mercedes hood ornament he asked, "What is that gun sight for?" When the cab driver heard that, he understood that theIraqui was mentally challenged. He thought that he should have a bit of fun with him. He said, "Oh, that's for me to take aim on the pedestrians on the pavement. here, let me show you how it works." He then started to drive right toward a pedestrian on the pavement. At the last second he turned away from the pedestrian and said, "Damn, I just missed that one!" "Not to worry," said the Iraqui, "I took him out with the back door!"

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?" St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks that this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is? St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?" "Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

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