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A Doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, "You aren't so good in bed either!" and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed." "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion."

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says with anticipated agony, "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies: "Well make up your mind. I have to adjust the chair."

A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater. As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners? Where did you come from?" The man looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"

Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams. "I dreamed I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. "I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life!" His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamed you had two women, and you didn't call me?" "Oh, I did, but when I called, your wife said you'd gone fishing!"

Sitting beside Ben in the bar was the ugliest woman he'd ever laid eyes on, so ugly was she, in fact, that he refused each and every one of her advances. After awhile, having had one too many, the woman said "Y'know, mishter, if I have one more drink I'm really gonna feel it." Turning to the woman, Ben said, "T'tell the truth, sister, if I have one more drink, I prob'ly won't mind."

The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?" The husband looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!" The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating!"

I haven't sold one tractor all month," a tractor salesman tells his friend. "That's nothing compared to my problem," his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and I'll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya."

New paint store just opened up by my place, so I decided as any red-blooded, sexually repressed young lad to pay it a visit. When I went in I saw signs all over advertising the newest color: "Natural Blonde". There weren't any samples around, so I asked the clerk to describe it to me. He replied, "Natural Blonde? Wonderful new paint: not too bright, but spreads easily!"

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..." Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me." The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." "But why--" asked the startled father. "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me." "Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."

A woman, completely fed up with her husbands AOL obsession finally takes matter into her own hands. One night as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor. She pulls open the jacket and yells, "Time for Super Sex"!!!!!. He ignores her. So, she repeatedly yells, "Super Sex" "Super Sex" "Super Sex". Finally, he replies, "Ok, I'll take the soup."

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