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A worker on a construction site of a high rise building climbed all the way to the top of the building before realizing that he needed a second pair of hands to accomplish the task he had in mind. Not wanting to climb all the way back down, and also realizing that no one would hear him if he yelled, he signaled to the foreman on the ground. He pointed first to himself, then his knee, and then the foreman, meaning "I need you." The foreman waved back and then started acting very strangely....he unzipped his pants, pulled them down to his ankles, and proceeded to jerk off. Totally confused and rather alarmed, the worker ran down all fourteen stories of the high rise, staggered over to the foreman and gasped, "What the hell are you doing? "I got your message," replied the foreman. "I just wanted to let you know that I was coming."

An extensive interview was being conducted on an old couple. The questions got more and more personal until finally the interviewer asked the man and woman . . . . . DO YOU TWO HAVE MUTUAL ORGASAM? The man and woman look at each other rather puzzled and they both replied: NO . . . . . STATE FARM.

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here lies my wife.....cold as ever" Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: "Here lies my husband.....stiff at last"

A lady walks into a hardware store and says she's looking for a hinge. The manager comes over and asks the lady "do you want a screw for the hinge?" She replies "no but I'll Fuck you for the doorknob."

One day grandpa says to grandma "Why don't we go to the motel like we used to do when we were young and get kinky?" So they get to the motel and go into the room. Grandpa takes off his glasses and says he going to get into the shower to freshen up. In the meantime grandma takes off her clothes and gets into bed. She decides to do some leg stretches to limber up ( it's been awhile ). Well she throws her legs over her head and they get caught in the headboard. Right then grandpa walks out of the bathroom and sees her that way. "My God woman" he says "you need to put your teeth in and comb your hair, you look like an asshole!"

Hosni Mubarak and his wife are in Rio de Janeiro on vacation. When there's no-one around, they decide to make love on the beach. Unfortunately some of Rio's finest catch them in their birthday suits and arrest them for 'lewd conduct'. Now Hosni's not too enthusiastic about being arrested so he asks the police officer whether a simple fine wouldn't do. The police officer agrees to this and asks Hosni whether it's his first offense. He then proceeds to write up a ticket for Hosni for the sum of 100 cruzeiros (Brazilian currency), and a ticket for Hosni's wife for the sum of 300 cruzeiros. Hosni asks the police officer why he's getting a 100 cruzeiro fine, while his wife is getting a 300 cruzeiro fine. The cop tells him that since it's a first offense, it's only 100 cruzes, his wife on the other hand, she's been caught twice before.

A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it. "Well," the patient said, "I live in a trailer court. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon she'd take a frankfurter from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she'd sit on it and have a ball." "She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the frankfurter into the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole." "She sat down on it and everything was great until there was a knock at the door." "And then?" said the doctor. "Aw hell," the patient explained. "That's when she tried to kick it under the stove."

Brunette after sex: "Oh that was great! Love you... wanna marry?" Blonde after sex: "Next!" Redhead after sex: "Better start chewing some VITAMINS, kid."

Two sailors on shore leave, walking down the street. They spot a beautiful blonde. First sailor asks his friend "Have you ever slept with a blonde?" Second sailor replies that he has. They walk on further and see an even more beautiful brunette. FS, " Have you ever slept with a brunette?" SS, "Why yes, in fact I've slept with brunettes on many occasions" They walk on a little further, and see a gorgeous redhead, who leaves the other two girls for dead. FS, "Have you ever slept with a redhead then?" His companion looks at him and replies "Not a wink!" (Red on the head, fire below....)

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires: "I'm leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key." The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe, and takes one last look at his castle. He sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the WRONG KEY."

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