Page 67

A man walks into a building and gets into the elevator. He presses the button for the fifth floor. At the fifth floor the most stunning woman he has ever seen gets into the lift and leans seductively against the wall. The man doesn't know where to look and starts to get very nervous. The woman begins to unbutton her blouse and throws it on the floor. She then takes off her bra and throws it on the floor. At this stage the guy is getting very nervous. Then she says "Make a woman out of me". He unbuttons his shirt,throws it on the floor and replies - "Alright, iron that."

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

T man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over ,the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back of my car! I'm really glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed: I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't even notice that the light had changed. The bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord, because pretty soon he leaned out of his window and yelled "JESUS CHRIST" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO, JESUS CHRIST, GO" as loud as he could. Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out of my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there, because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, and looked at each other, giggled, and told me that it was a Hawaiian Good Luck sign. So I leaned out of my window and gave the good luck sign back. Several cars back behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something; I couldn't hear him very well, but is sounded like, "Mother Tucker" or Mother's from there. Maybe he was from Florida. A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet that they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across that busy intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and help up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

What did O.J. say to Goldman when he found him with his ex-wife? Hey pal, mind if I cut in?

What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and John Elway? One drives a slow, white Bronco. The other *is* a slow, white Bronco.

More evidence that O.J. didn't kill his ex-wife: Any man who can sit beside Howard Cosell on Monday Night Football without killing him would never kill anyone.

Two boys show up at the local drugstore. One is 12 years old and the other is 6. The older boy orders some Tampax for his little brother. "You must be a little mixed up," the clerk says, "don't you want it for your mother?" The kid keeps insisting he wants it for his brother and says, "I saw on TV if you wear Tampax you can ride a bicycle and go swimming...he can't do any of those things now."

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Ralph and Charlie where playing the ninth hole at the local country club when Ralph hit his tee shot way to the right. Ralph walked over to the deep rough, found his ball, and proceeded to beat the hell out of wild buttercups with his pitching wedge. Mother Nature appeared and said, "Since you destroyed all of my favorite buttercups, if you ever taste butter, smell butter, or even think about butter you will become deathly ill and die." Ralph walked out of the rough toward Charlie with a big smile on his face. Ralph then told him his story with a big grin on his face. Charlie says, "That's not a good thing! Why are you smiling?" Ralph replies, "I almost hit the pussy willows."

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