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An airplane is making a cross Atlantic flight when the captain comes on over the intercom and informs everyone that they are running short of fuel. He states that if they can lose about 3 people they should make it fine. After a brief moment, a Frenchman comes forward to where the stewardess has opened a door. The Frenchman shouts 'Viva le France!' and jumps to a certain death. Seconds later an Englishman comes forward, jumps from the plane after saying 'God Save the Queen! A moment later a Texan comes forward and shouts 'Remember the Alamo!' and tosses out two Mexicans.

One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." replied the man.

One cucumber was telling another "my life is miserable, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone slices me up and puts me in a salad." The other cucumber said "yeah well, my life is worse, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone puts me in a jar with vinegar and garlic and pickles me." A penis was listening to this conversation and chimes in, "my life is worse than both of yours, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone puts a bag over my head and makes me do pushups 'til I puke."

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. Man: "What was that for?" Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?" Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. Man: "What the hell was that for this time?" Wife: "Your horse called."

A new business was opening, and a long-time friend of the owner decided to send flowers for the occasion. He arrived at the "grand opening", accepted a glass of champagne and a warm handshake from his host, then browsed about the room examining the many floral arrangements and potted plants. Finally, he happened upon his own offering, only to find an attached card bearing this sentiment: "Rest in Peace" Embarrassed and irate at the florist's error, he phoned to lodge a complaint. After venting his anger in a lengthy tirade, he waited impatiently for the florist's explanation. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry. ... imagine this: Somewhere a funeral is taking place today, and they have a lovely floral spray with an attached note saying: "Congratulations on Your New Location"

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas." Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time." Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"

Native American boy was talking to his mother one day. Boy, "Mom, why is my brother named "Mighty Storm?" Mom, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Boy, "Well then why is my sister named "Cornfield?" Mom, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." Boy, "And why is my other sister called "Moonchild"? Mom, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived. Tell me, why are you so curious about their names, Torn Rubber?"

Two Southern belles were having a picnic in a park. The first one says, "See my new diamond ring? My husband bought it for me." The second one says, "Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!" The first one says, "And see that shiny new Jaguar parked over there? My husband bought it for me." The second one says, "Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!" The first one says, "And you know that big white house at the top of the hill? My husband is gonna buy that for me." The second one says, "Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!" The first one says, "Oh my stars, here I am, going on and on about myself! Tell me, what does your husband do for you?" The second one says, "Well, my husband sent me to charm school." The first one says, "Charm school? Why on earth would he do that?" The second one says, "Because I used to say, 'Who gives a fuck,' but now I say, 'Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!'"

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night." She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it. The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises. "Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt I should scream." "You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. "Now why were you laughing?" she asked. "You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered. "True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. "Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" "Mom, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full."

Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny him "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?" He replies "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k." His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?" Johnny answers "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."

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