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What`s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? A hooker will stop fucking you when you`re dead.

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

How do you know if you have an overbite? If you're eating pussy and it tastes like shit.

What do you get when you cross a pit bull and a hooker? Your last blow job.

Father talking to his son: "Son, you should never lie. One lie begets another lie, then another lie, and before you know it, you are a lawyer."

What do you call a condom in a nursing home? Software.

Why is pubic hair curly? So you don't poke your eyes out!

Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing." "Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow."

When you're in the hospital how can you tell the head nurse? She's the one with the scabs on her Knees.

Bob was driving home after a day at the construction site; over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going BOY?" Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, "That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good look at the young bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!" Bob said, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!" The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?" "I'm a cunt stretcher," replied Bob. "What you say, BOY?!!" asked the patrolman. "A cunt stretcher." Of course the cop asked, "What's a cunt stretcher do?" Bob explained, "Girls call me up and say they want to be stretched so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across." The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot cunt?" Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

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