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The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked now big I was and I said, "Compared to what?" She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that." Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that." Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm about that big." She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium."

A young apprentice talent agent went out to dinner and a few drinks one night. After a few drinks he met a woman and they had a few drinks together then ended up at his place. Things start to get pretty hot and he goes down on her. When he gets close to it he hears something, so he puts his ear closer and hears singing. It's a high pitched sweet voice singing an old song. The man is so excited he forgets all about sex, he gets on the phone and calls his boss. "Hello Joe you gotta hear this," and he puts the phone down by her pussy where the singing is still going on. "Did you hear that Joe, Did you hear it?" Joe says, "What the hell's wrong with you? Did you wake me up at three o'clock in the morning just to hear some cunt sing!

A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is quite flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes, she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor. After she became conscious, the guy said, "I told you before we got married; why did you still faint? The girl said, You told me it was just like a baby. The guy replied, That's right, 8 pounds and 21 inches.

Moe: My wife converted me to religion." Joe: Really? Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.

A Guy goes into a bar and orders a beer, when the bartender brings his beer the Guy pays him and puts an octopus on the bar The Bartender tells him, "get that thing out of here." The Guy says, "No, wait you don't understand. This is no ordinary octopus. This octopus can play any musical instrument you can think of. The bartender says, "Bullshit, no octopus can do that." The Guy says, "No, really I'll bet you one hundred dollars that you can't find a musical instrument he can't play." The bartender says, "OK you're on. Try the piano in the corner." The Guy takes the octopus to the piano and it played like a pro. The bartender went into the back room and brought out a guitar. The octopus played a song on it. The bartender said, "OK I'm not done yet so he brings out three kinds of horns and a set of drums. The octopus played them all. The bartender said, "Alright I have one more instrument to try before I give up. He goes in the back and comes out with a bagpipe, and sets it in the middle of the floor. The octopus gets up on all eight legs and walks around it a couple of times then jumps on it. Then he walks around it a couple more times and jumps up and down on it a few more times. The bartender says, "There I knew I could find one he couldn't play. The Guy said, "Now just wait a minute He'll play it just as soon as he figures out he can't fuck it.

A horny young man went to a brothel...The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available. Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses...they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers....they..." Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor." Madam, "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses." Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it."

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the funeral, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the funeral director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads"

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."

What happened to the cheerleader when she did the splits? 20 class rings fell out.

A lady went into a tattoo parlor to get a Santa Claus tattoo put on her left inner thigh. The guy who was going to tattoo the Santa Claus on her thigh noticed an Indian on the woman's right inner thigh and asked what was up with the Indian and Santa Claus? The woman replied that her husband always complained that there was nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

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