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Do you know the difference between medium and rare? Medium is 6 inches. Rare is 9 inches or more.

Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot from back east is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!"

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Santos, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

There were these three prisoners in a German POW camp, and they were Australian, American, and Irish. The commandant was a real mean prick and he was going to shoot his three captives unless their combined dick length was in excess of 20 inches. So the three POWs have their cocks measured and it turned out their combined dick length was 20 inches exactly, so they were spared. Later on the three were talking, and the Australian said "Well if it wasn't for my 10 inch dick we'd all be dead." The American says "Na, if it wasn't for my 8 inch dick then we'd all be dead." Then the Irishman says "If I didn't have a hard on, we'd all be dead."

There was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was driving when a police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and says "Did you know you were speeding back there." The lady (who is almost deaf) said to her husband "What did he say, what did he say?" The man turns to his wife and said "He said I was speeding." The officer then said "Where are you from?" The man replied "Chicago" The wife then says "What did he say, what did he say?" The man turns to his wife and said, "He wanted to know where we came from." The officer then said "Shit, you know, I had my worst fuck ever in Chicago." The lady then says "What did he say, what did he say?" The man turns back and says "He says he thinks he knows you."

A man had a problem, there was a red ring around his dick. He was really worried so he went to the doctor. The doctor took a good look at it and then after awhile of uming and ering, he said "Well apply this on it and then come and see me in a few days." The man was a bit relieved but was still worried about what would happen to his pride and joy. So that night before bed he applied the cream. Sure enough by the morning the ring had disappeared. He was so happy he went straight to the doctors to tell him the good news. He showed the doctor the ring was gone and the doctor was pleased. The man asked him what the cream was. The doctor replied, "Just lipstick remover."

Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony? The guy who can carry two pitchers of beer and a foot of onion rings!

who is the most popular girl in a nudist colony? The girl who can eat the last onion ring.

A farmer and his daughter were coming back from town with their money from some sales and a large sack of flour when all of a sudden these highway men held them up and robbed them of everything. A few minutes later the farmer exclaims, "We're ruined, all the money's gone and there's no flour for bread." Then his daughter says, "No, papa, I hid the money in my U-know-what." The farmer said, "You're a good girl, but if your mama was here she could have saved the sack of flour as well!"

A lady came home from the store one day and found her daughter sitting on the front steps eating a piece of water melon. She told the girl, "You know you don't have any panties on girl." Her daughter said, "I know, it keeps the flies off my melon."

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