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A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry. She says, "What's the matter?" He says, "Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me."

It's a very cold winter's night, so three homeless guys huddle up close to stay warm. When they wake up in the morning, the guy on the left says, "I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick all night." The guy on the right says, "I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick too." The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream I went skiing."

Did you hear Tonya Harding and Michael Jackson bought Aqueduct Racetrack? She's going to do the handicapping and he's going to ride the three-year-olds.

Two men were walking down the street when they noticed a little girl sitting on the curb across the street. The first man said wow can you believe all the hair between that little girls legs? The other man looked and said that's not hair, that's dirt. They argued back and forth for awhile until a little boy comes along. They tell the little boy they will give him five dollars to run across the street and see what's between the little girls legs. The little boy runs over and looks then comes back. The first man said it was hair wasn't it? The little boy said no. The other man said see I told you it was dirt. The little boy said no. They both said what was it then. the little boy said flies

Three morticians were having a few drinks one night and started discussing their hardest cases. The first said I believe I had the hardest. I had a young man that ran into a tree, it took a week before I could show him. The second smiled, "That's nothing" he said. I had this couple that hit a train. It took two weeks before I could show them. The third grinned and said "You two didn't have anything, I had a woman who jumped off a ten story building. She landed on a fire hydrant. It took me three weeks to get the smile off her face.

I read last week how there are more than one million battered women in the United States each year. All these years I've been eating them raw.

Adam was taking a nap in the garden when God woke him to ask where Eve was. Adam said Eve has gone to the stream to swim. God says "Oh no now all of my fish will smell like that."

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it.So she goes to her neighbor and says,"Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?" Her neighbor replies,"Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see." She says Well, what the heck it can't hurt to try it. Next day her neighbor asks how it worked. "So-so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer."

It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer". So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!". The kid said "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!" Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" "Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"

One day Ma and pa were sitting on the porch, when Pa said to Ma junior's 21 years old now" It’s about time we teach him about sex". Ma said "ya know pa your right". So pa said to junior "hey junior come on out to the porch for a second". so junior came on out to the porch, Junior says "ya pa whatcha want". Pa said "junior it’s about time we teach you about sex". Junior said "sex what's sex". Pa turned to ma and told her to take off her clothes, so ma does, and she does a spread eagle right there on the porch. Pa says to junior "see that hole in ma? watch this". So pa starts going at it with ma. In the mean time juniors brother comes out to the porch, he’s 18 and says, "Junior what's ma and pa doing". Junior says "their teaching me about sex". Junior’s brother says "sex what's sex". Junior says "see that hole in pa watch this".

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