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There were these two guys sitting in a bar. The first guy said, "Hey, young fella, have you ever played football with your beer?" The second guy replied, "Why, no sir, I can't say as I have." First guy: would you like to learn? Second guy: sure why not. First guy: First you chug your beer for six points. Then you pull down your pants and fart. That gives you the extra point. So the first guy chugs his beer and pulls down his pants and farts. He gets seven points. The second guy chugs his beer and pulls down his pants but before he can fart the first jumps in and says "block that kick, block that kick!

A Negro was traveling in China. In a remote village, he came upon an elderly chinaman skipping stones across a lake. At each bounce of the stone off the water, the mountains surrounding the lake echoed back, "CHING...CHANG...CHUN..." The Negro was amazed. He asked the Chinaman what was going on. "Oh", said the Chinaman, "magic spirit of the lake echo back the names of your ancient ancestors as your stone skip upon the sacred waters". "Wow", said the Negro, "can I try it?". "Certainly", replied the Chinaman. The Negro picked up the biggest stone he could find, and gave it a mighty heave across the waters...and as it skipped across the waters, the mountains echoed back "CHIM...PAN...ZEE...."

A dusty cowboy rides up to the saloon on his horse, gets off and ties it to the hitching post, then slaps the dust off his jacket and chaps. He walks around to the back of the horse, puckers up his lips and kisses the horse directly on the asshole. He then walks into the saloon, walks up to the bar and says to the bartender "Whiskey!" The bartender pours him a glass of whiskey and says to the cowpoke "Say there pardner, I noticed when you got off your horse you went behind it and kissed it right on the asshole. Why'd you do that?" The cowpoke replies "Chapped lips." "Chapped lips?" asks the bartender, "Is that a cure for chapped lips?" "No" says the cowpoke, "but it sure's hell stops you from lickin' 'em."

As legend has it, there's a cliff called Jumpin' Bluff, if you jump off, you will become whatever you say. One day a man set out to prove that the legend was true. He took his two best friends to watch as he jumped. While airborne, the man yelled "Eagle!" He became an eagle and flew away. One of the friends slipped and fell off the cliff. On his way down, he yelled "Shit!" Sure enough, the man became a giant piece of shit and splattered all over the ground. The second friend planned to yell "rich parachuter," he took a running jump, but as he jumped, he stubbed his toe. Instead, he ended up yelling "Holy Mother Fucking, Child Molesting Bastard!" He became a priest as he fell.

what do you call a herd of masturbating cattle? Beef Stroganoff

A man goes into a whore-house, asking for the cheapest whore in the place. The Madame says: "Well we do have Dolores, she'll only be $15" "Ok, I'll take her" the man says. He goes to her room, and this beautiful girl is laying naked on the bed. He takes his clothes off, and gets into the bed. During the whole thing she just lays there with a curios smile. As he leaves the whore-house, Madame asks him if everything was ok. "Yes" he answers "She didn't show much action though" "Of Course not" Madame said "She's been dead for three days"

Two nuns are riding on a motorcycle. The one in back says to the driver, "Sister Mary Ellen, have you ever come this way before?" The one in front replies: "No! It must be the cobblestones!"

Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said,"Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"

Two cannibals, wandering around in the desert for days without food, hungry and desolate, all of a sudden, to their delight, they stumble upon a dead human carcass, pristine from any scavenger, so the two cannibals sink their teeth into the dead human flesh, tearing it apart, one starting from the head and one from the toes. After a few minutes of eating, the guy at the head yells to the cannibal at the bottom, "hey, how is it going down there?" The cannibal at the bottom says "this is great, I'm having a fucking ball. The guy at the top says slow down and enjoy it, you're eating too damn fast."

A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp. "I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so he's going to live with us just like one of the family. He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife." "But what about the smell?" the friend asked. "Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."

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