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A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat. "Okay, Rover," ordered the architect, and Rover trotted over to a table and in four minutes constructed a complete scale model of a Cathedral out of toothpicks. The architect slipped Rover a cookie, and everyone agreed that it was a pretty impressive performance. "Hit it, Spot," commanded the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing an emergency Caesarean on a cow. Three minutes later the proud mother of a healthy little heifer was all sewed up and doing fine. Not bad, conceded the onlookers, and Spot got a cookie from the doctor. "Your turn, Fella," said the lawyer. Over went Fella, screwed the other two dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.

Why do women have two pairs of lips? One to fight with, and one to make up with.

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

Why does Hillary Clinton always climb on top? Because Bill can only fuck up.

How do you recycle a condom? Shake the FUCK out of it!!!

A religious man, ignoring a nagging conscience, went bear hunting on the Sabbath even though he knew he was being disobedient to a commandment. He was feeling a little guilty about it as he entered the woods. Suddenly he heard a noise close by. Quickly he tried to raise his rifle, alas, too late, for the huge grizzly bear was upon him. Gazing in horror at the ferocious beast while the huge bear grabbed him in a bear-hug and squeezed the life out if him, he prayed with his last breath, "Please oh God make this bear a Christian." Immediately the bear released him, knelt down, bowed his head and said, "I give thanks for this food of which I am about to partake. Amen."

Wife comes home to find the old man shagging the dog in the front room. "My God Henry", she screams, "I know you've had other woman but this time you've gone too far!" "You may be right" he says, "I think I'm stuck."

There was a militant sperm named Stanley. He knew that only one sperm made it to the egg and he was determined to be the first one in there. He worked out every day and was in much better shape than the other sperms that were "hanging out." One day the alarm sounds and all sperm are put on alert status. They know they are about to be ejaculated. The floodgates open and all the sperm start swimming to the destination. Stanley takes the lead over the others and leaves them way behind. All of a sudden Stanley starts swimming backward as fast as he can and says to the other sperm, 'retreat! retreat! back to your stations - it's only a blowjob!

This Martian space ship breaks down in a residential neighborhood. The Martian goes to one of the houses to ask to use some tools. A guy answers the door and agrees to lend the Martian some tools to repair his spaceship. The Martian spends all day working on his spaceship when it starts getting dark. He goes back to the guy's house and asks to spend the night and go back to work on his spaceship the next day. The guy agrees. The Martian says his wife is in the spaceship and there is a custom on his planet that whenever they stay over at someone’s house they swap wives. The guy talks to his wife about this swapping and she agrees to it. That night the guy's wife goes into one bedroom with the Martian and the guy goes into another bedroom with the Martian’s wife. Once in the bedroom, the Martian starts tugging on his left ear and his dick gets longer and longer. He tugs on his right ear and his dick gets wider and wider. The guy's wife loves it. The next morning the guy and his wife are in the kitchen talking and comparing notes. The guy's wife asks him how he liked doing it with the Martian lady. He says, "I liked it except for one thing. She kept tugging at my ears all night!"

The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable. The three of them decide to duck inside. On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway. "Jesus Christ!" he says. Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a hell of a lot better than Clyde!"

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