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Two lesbians were standing at a bar drinking when another girl waved from across the bar. "Who is that babe?" one said to the other. "I'd sure like to get her spread out on my sheets." "No you wouldn't," said the other. "She's hung like a doughnut."

Three friends decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, So she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch." The first man leaves with the hooker, and comes back out. "How much did she charge you?" asked the other two. "$75. dollars," said the first. The second guy goes in and returns with a fee of $85. The first two were proud of their prowess. The third man goes in and returns. "How much did she charge you?" the first two asked. "$20 dollars," replies the third. The first two start laughing hysterically. "Hey guys," replied the third, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!

Rosco was wandering through a mall one day, and he happened upon a clock shop where there was a gorgeous lady working at the desk. Rosco walked right up to the desk, whipped out his penis, and put it right next to the lady. The lady was alarmed and said, "Wait just a minute there, man! This is a clock shop, not a cock shop!" Rosco replied, "I know, I want you to put two hands and a face on this!"

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding together on a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In Russia, we have the best vodka in the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in the Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away." Saying this, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havana’s, unwraps one, lights it, and begins to smoke, saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars in the world: Havana’s. Nowhere else in the world produces such a fine cigar, and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the pack of Havanas through it. Once again, everybody is quite impressed. At this point not to be out done, the American stands up silently, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it.

An older woman let her dog out to go to the bathroom, and before she knew it a neighbor's dog jumped on and started humping her dog. She tried pulling the dogs apart and hitting the male dog. She even tried throwing cold water on them and nothing worked. About this time a little boy came along and the old woman told him that she would give him five dollars if he can get that dog off her dog. The little boy walked up to the dogs wet his finger, lifted the dogs tail and stuck his finger in the dogs ass. The dog backed off right away and the little boy went up to the porch to collect his five dollars. The woman gave the boy his five dollars and asked the little boy how he got the dogs apart. The little boy said, "Well Lady he can dish it out but he can't take it.

A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them. "What's your name?" she asks the first. To her surprise, the dog answers "My name's Huey and I'm having a great day going in and out of puddles." She goes up to the second dog and asks "What's your name?" The dog replies "My name's Duey and I'm having a great day going in and out of puddles." She turns to the third dog and says "I suppose you're going to tell me your names Luey and you're having a great day going in and out of puddles." The dog replies "No, I'm having a fucking miserable day and my name is Puddles."

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded. The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a gun shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill". The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off". The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

When the airline Captain announced they were flying over Salt Lake City, Utah, a woman told the man sitting beside her, "I understand this is the home of the Mormon religion where husbands believe it's OK to have more than one wife." That's true," he replied, "as a matter of fact I happen to be a Mormon myself and have nine wives." "How disgusting, "she said, "you should be ashamed of yourself, such practices should be against the law and you ought to be hung." With a slight grin, he just said, "Yes, mam I am."

An extremely ugly man was sitting in a bar having a drink with his friend, who is the exact opposite in fact he may be the most handsome man in town. The two of them are discussing a beautiful blond girl sitting at the bar. The handsome man said, "Boy I sure would like to get some of that. The ugly man said, "Go ahead go for it. The handsome man said, " There's no way She won't go with anybody I've tried many times." The ugly man said, "I think I could go out with her if I wanted to." The handsome man laughed and said, "If She won't go out with me She sure as hell won't go with you." Ugly said, "I'll bet you fifty bucks She'll go with me." Handsome says, "you're on." Ugly says, "Ok just leave the money with the bartender and I'll pick it up later." He walks up to the girl starts talking and turned and walked out of the bar, with the girl right behind him. The handsome man couldn't believe it. He went up to the bar and asked the bartender, "What happened, What did he say to her?" The bartender told him, "Well he didn't say much. He just said it's a nice night for a walk. Then he licked his eyebrows and left."

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