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Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead. "Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left." His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."

A young executive was working late, trying to impress his boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7 p.m., he found the CEO standing in front of the document shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary left hours ago. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited with the opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't know what I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine the relieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."

Albert arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "241." "That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!" Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the lady answers, "144." "That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!" Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51." Albert responds, "How about those Cowboys?"

This guy had a perpetual erection. It was constantly hard, day and night. He went to a drug store to see if he could get something for it. The pharmacist was a lady and he was kind of ashamed to tell her. She said, "Don't be ashamed, I'm a professional, you can tell me anything." He told her, "I have this perpetual hard-on. What can you give me for it?" She responded, "Wait a minute, I'll have to talk to my partner I'll be right back," and she went into the back to talk to her sister who was her partner in the drugstore. She came back shortly and told him, "The best we can do is give you $500. and part ownership in the drugstore."

A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute I have to relive myself." While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat. He asks the guy "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me." The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks "What're you doing in there?" The guy says "I'm making love to my wife." The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?" The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."

An Indian girl walked into a general store and asked the clerk for some toilet paper. So the clerk says, "Well, we have two brands of toilet paper: Toilet Paper Royal and the generic kind which doesn't have a name." So the Indian girl asks, "What's the difference?", to which the clerk replies, "The generic brand is cheaper." So the Indian girl buys the generic brand and walks home. The next day she walks into the store with the roll of toilet paper and says, "I have found a name for this toilet paper." Curious the clerk says, "Well what is it?" And the girl replies, "John Wayne, because it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap from Indians."

The new FDA milk labeling rules are so strict, it's now illegal to print a picture of a missing fat kid on a carton of skim milk.

Mom and little girl at the toys counter. Christmas rush. Little girl: "Mom, I want Barbie with G.I. Joe". Mom: "Sweetie, you know Barbie comes with Ken...". Little girl: "No, Mom, Barbie FAKES with Ken, Barbie COMES with G.I. Joe!"

What do you get when you cross a dirty politician and a crooked lawyer? Chelsea Clinton

Joe is walking along a dark street at night when he hears a lot of laughter and shouting from an Irish bar across the road. Joe thinks, "Hmm...never been in an Irish bar before and I am bored and lonely. I'll go check it out." In he walks, amidst hoots of laughter. He looks up at a stage in the center of the room and sees a man going to the microphone. He taps the microphone twice and says "42". Everyone bursts out laughing and he walks off the stage. Another man comes up and yells 68! The crowd laughs louder still! A third man walks up and shouts 12!! Joe is quite confused by now so he finds the manager and asks, "Why does everyone laugh when they are only calling out numbers?" "Well," says the Manager, "we got tired of saying the same jokes over and over again so we assigned them numbers so each number called out is a joke." "Ohh," said Joe. "Am I allowed a go then?" "Sure!" the manager exclaimed, So up on to the stage went Joe and yelled at the top of his voice "168". The patrons laughed so loudly the room shook. They carried him off the stage and bought him a few drinks. After that, he went to the manager and asked, "Why was my joke so funny?" The manager was still chuckling but he said, "Achh...Well, they haven't heard that one before!!"

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