Page 96

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem." "If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Fifty cents," the man answers.

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "OOh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs. We'll just wait." Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman. The son said, "Hey dad, she's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait." About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her." "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season's emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny says, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"

Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book? It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing

This guy goes ice fishing, takes out an auger and starts drilling. LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: There's no fish there. Guy goes to another spot and drills. LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: There's no fish there, either. Guy tries a third spot. LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: Nope. Not there either. Guy, getting a little nervous: "Are you God? LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: No. I'm the arena manager.

President Clinton to maid: Mam, can you do something about Chelsea's room. She complains that it's the ugliest room in the White House. Maid: Yes, Mr. President--I'll remove the mirrors right away.

An Eagle is circling at about 5,000 ft. when he spies a field mouse down below him. He dives down and eats the mouse. After a little while the mouse works his way out the eagles butt. Proceeding to look around the mouse says Tail gunner to pilot...Tail gunner to pilot..The eagle says what do you want. The mouse asks how high up they are. The eagle thinks for a moment and then says ohh about 5,000 ft. The mouse then replies You wouldn't be shittin me now would ya??

Bob and Tom are sitting in duck blinds about a hundred feet apart in the swamp with thier guns. After a long period of no productivity, Tom yells over at Bob and says, "Hey bro give me a cigarette!" Bob yells back, "If you you want one, paddle over here and get it!" He then proceedes to paddle over to the other duck blind. After he crawls up to get his cigarette, he asks to borrow Bob’s lighter. When he goes to light it, a huge flame shoots out the lighter and Tom is amazed. He asks, "Where did you get this lighter?" "I got from a stupid genie in a brass lamp," says Bob. "If you want to get a wish, I threw it over there in the weeds by that log." Tom then goes over to the area pointed out to him and sure enough, there sits a brass lamp. He rubs the lamp and an old genie pops out. "I am the genie of the lamp, I'll grant you one wish." "But aren't I supposed to get 3 wishes," says Tom. The Genie relpies, "Look, I'm old and tired, so you only get one wish, so make it good." Tom thinks for a second and says, "I want a million bucks." "It is done," says the genie and disappears. Suddenly ducks fill the sky like they have never seen, I mean everywhere! Tom is furious paddling back to tell Bob. Tom tells of what happened and Bob replies simply, "Where'd ya think I got this 15 inch BIC?"

A priest is teaching a nun how to swim and the nun says to the priest "Will I really sink if you take your finger out?"

Stationed on a remote Pacific Island, a Marine writes to his wife that he needs something to while away the hours so he won't be preoccupied with all the beautiful native women. His wife sends him a harmonica and suggests he learn to play. A year later he comes home and says, "Baby, I'm so love-starved! Let's go to bed right now!" "Sure," she says. "But first, play me something on the harmonica."

To Page 95 Coop's Home Page To Page 97 Back To Dial A Joke-Page